here is merely another step to there ..

here is merely another step to there
   but it takes all of me
.. .. .  ..

we walk this lifetrail
for much of it not knowing where it leads
   hoping ..
the surrender of trees to grassland
marsh for a while, bogged-down
then, behold ! elevated vista of beauty
sometimes unnoticed loose shale on a mountaintrail causes us to lose our footing
sometimes it's just too damned dark to see anything - every step is a risk

all the while we process our experiences
pile one on the other
accumulated knowledge as we travel prompts us to take another direction
or maybe reinforces the direction we're on

mostly .. we look for the easiest path
to whoknowswhere

predators are a constant worry
   some human
as is food and water and places to shelter
concern for injury and illness
and for the ones that follow back there

.. follow ? ?
follow this path i'm on ?

don't follow me ... please !
i am so lost
so outoftheway
so looking for .. shalom
searching as i go ..

do not follow me ..
make your own path

.. . . . .      .

we'd like to think we're headed for the same homeplace
land of peace
rest
security
fruitfulness
communality
.. settlement .. where division and strife cease to ply their trade
where joy and happiness pervade

getting there though is a personal matter
while we look around for cameraderie
we know .. I, as in me .. i need to chart that path for my self
i use what i've learned and suffered and enjoyed and been advised to forge who I am and forge my own trail
   even when i travel incompany

i know where i want to be
i just have to get there ..

there are roads full of travellers
some not so
there are signs and stories
tragedy and triumph
successes and 2stepsforward/3stepsbackward

some have climbed remarkable heights on rockfaces with hardly a fingerhold
some have dived deep into murky waters full of terror
some just meander
   amble
some run
all headed somewhere
   but not here

not here
or i would simply sit and lie and veg

can't veg here
this is not home
not even close
home is where Creator dwells
   called 'the kingdom of God '
this place is a fallen falling world where peace and love and that communality are barely visible, and then only for a while - a momentous momentary glimpse of lustrous valley on the road out

keep going ..
stopping is atrophy and hypothermia and mindless wandering in my mind
circling my self like some wagontrain under attack

got to move on
stretch this body
exercise this mind
challenge this soul into the beyond
the next level
homeness

.. . . . .     .

as we go
all along the trail
there are others i pass
   or that pass me quickstriding
      or heading in the opposite direction
some in tears
   some happy
some running
   some propped against that tree nursing a ruined ankle
some out of energy
   some untiring

and we see
   time and timeagain
opportunities for cameraderie and humanness
times for comfort
for encouragement
for fuel
for rest
for handholding and legups
a clean shirt

and i take them
or not

..   . . . .      .

although this is my journey, and although i need to make my journey out of my own self
i dare not disregard the other
the one over there
the one i met yesterday
the one i might meet tomorrow
we need each other at points and places and for treks across that desert, over that mountain
we need each other along this lifepath

although we need each other along this lifepath
i dare not diss' the truth that this is my path and i have to make my path
   make it my path
noone can travel it for me
noone can take my place
i have to get there
out of my own energy
my own efforts
my own processing of my life experiences
i have to do it
or it becomes a borrowed path
and borrowing others' paths is simply shortcutting to nowhere

 ..        .        ... .

i know where i'm headed
   sorta
i'm not sure of much of what it holds
   the details
but i know where i'm headed
   prettymuch

i rise each new day and set my sights on that homeplace
   sunny
   or foggy or rainy or blustering

clouds notwithstanding
i still see it afar off
i still smell homeness
   like some dejavu macaroni and cheese or fresh fish
   smouldering on a bed on onion and peppers
i can feel homeness there
i can feel my God there
beckoning
calling
   in that deep soothing encouraging soft voice
.. " come on home "

my soul relishes that voice
longs for those words again
looks for that wink of the eye through the cloudmass
that unmissable flower's scent over there
   reminding me of him

... ..     .

i help whoever i can along my path
wherever i meet them
in whatever condition

mine is not to critique their lifepath
judge their reasonings
discern their motivations
   only God is equal to that task
i may only lend a hand
spare a smile
a parcel of food
a mile or 3 of the journey together
   until one or the other of us heads in a different direction
      even though we both look to arrive at homeplace

mine is to give up mine
   to help whoever
   .  even when it depletes my stuff
      my energy

i'll get back on my lifepath eventually
or not

it matters not

all that matters is that i head out and on
   towards homeplace
      for as long as i have life and energy
and that i help every other
   i meet
      that will accept my help

. . . .      ..

by the way .. i have this friend who's gone there before
   where no man had ever been before
and i follow his path
'cause he's at homeplace

he gives me sign along the way
sometimes
and there's a mapofsorts
things he said and did
   that give me strength and encourage me to persist and not give up
      even when my leg is broken
         or my heart

he's my icon
my hero
my instructor
   my rabbi
.     my master

and he holds me in his heart
frail as i am
failure as i am
afraid as i am

i head towards the untellable unthinkable wonder of meeting him
   someday
   in homeplace

that's my lifestory
   least for the nowfuture

that's where i'm headed

so .. even though there's that cloudmass and the rain obstructs the view at times
   like looking through a stained glass
i can still see through hopeeyes
footprints, slightly toed-in, marking my path
i'll follow those
they're his marks
my guides

that's how i'm headed out ..
moving in hope
watching for his sign
helping here and there
making that path mine .. .  .      .        .

you   ? ?

prayer changes things .. seriously

http://reknew.org/2014/05/prayer-matters/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=prayer-matters

this link is to a blog post on prayer
read it .. for real

what is gospel ?? illustrating Jesusness in the Body

it was a good day
we met in the Circle

the preacher was discussing the change-movement occurring in christianity and church, and the pertinent question - how are we as a church getting along in the community, and are we doing it ' right ' .. the very necessary discussion and education about churchness and where we fall ( globally as well as locally )  and how we can recover, if necessary, or do better, as we move into the future ..

sometimes we hide away in our ' sanctuaries ' ..
we forget that we are called to serve humanity, our neighbours, as we cluster, boost our clique and try to feel safe and cuddled and fist-bump our way through the next week till we all meet in our ' sanctuary ' place next sunday .. . .. .
discussion of the broader picture and the view from above is crucial to following Jesus' command to love our neighbour as our self

recently there have been encouraging signs in our neighbourhood, a place that has been generally aggressively against our work with our homeless friends ..
slowly, almost unnoticed, positive things are happening

.. . . .        .

then
right there in the ' sanctuary ' someone challenged the obvious message of the moment ..
that message was couched in this scripture, in part .. this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. (Philippians 1)

the entirety of that thought is couched in apostle paul's prayer for the Philippian community that their love may abound, grow large ..
right there, with that as a backdrop, our fellow-christian began to castigate us for our impurity, our willingness to blink at sin, and encourage it even, by not being harsher with the homeless who come to the Circle, some under the influence of this or that, parents alarmed for the influence on their children ..
those sinners needed to be judged, in effect .. they needed to be not there, chased off ..
and on and on they went, speaking 3 or 4 times during the discussion, driving the point that we were not reflecting the ' holiness ' of God, delinquent in marking sin ..

this same person had 3 weeks ago personally lodged their complaint about a drunken homeless person that was causing some disruption outside the sanctuary
  [ that story here: http://denyingme.blogspot.com/2014/05/what-is-gospel-again.html ]

my heart sank as they pushed their pointofview ..
headinhands, i refused to believe this was happening
it was like preacher-bashing and church-bashing and homeless-basing all rolled into one hot fireball, a veritable holier-than-thou attack on the principles the Circle has inculcated, principles that speak to humanness, and the equality of all, regardless .. that speak to inclusion, healing, helping ..
being Jesus  ..
like one of the sayings we use .. ' we are all broken people; and we all know that we are all broken people '

      aside .. last week i saw an elder place their hands on an inebriated homeless person
      and pray God's blessing on them in beautiful speak while the undertheinfluence
      cried and hugged them .. that's who we are

i became angry, my blood heating under the pressure of the fire vomiting from the mouth of our fellow 'christian'
i thought, how can we be missing the point like this, right in the context of apostle paul's words of love, words that later in the same reading speak to preaching the gospel under envy and strife .. .. ? ?
did this person hear any of that at all ?
do they care ?

do they care  ?  ?

do we  ?

at one point another person, perhaps emboldened by the tirade, posited that we should be ' bringing ' in the homeless people who were lounging on the lawn outside on that beautiful-weather day, as if they were cattle to be herded into the sanctuary ..
   perhaps the thought behind that was ' if they're coming here to eat, they need to be
   made to attend church first .. kinda like a condition for them getting food .. .      .
and the only response was a cry from a homeless person ' we are here ', or similar, and everyone turned to see several of them in the back pews .. clapping erupted at that

my hands began to shake as the aggressor continued to speak their mind and basically castigate the gathering for not upholding God's laws, drawing lines and meting out punishment to offenders ..
i feared that if i opened my mouth i would end up with my shoe in my stomach ..

thank God for the defensive and positive comments by several other church people, some who were homeless themselves, and one of the church leaders

the preacher wisely allowed the conversation to run a while .. wise, that

finally i spoke up .. my voice quivered with emotion
i said little
but i stood with my homeless friends ..
i made a determination long ago to represent the homeless fairly in whatever circumstance

and then we moved on, and, as we began to sing, an angel appeared at my side, stood right next to me ..
my heart gladdend, and i hugged the very same homeless person the accuser had complained about 3 weeks ago ..
he was back ! with us
God spoke yesterday when he brought them back there .. right in the middle of the Pharissee-attack, right then !
it was heaven making a point ..
and my soul flew heavenward as i walked with my homeless friend into the circle where we joined hands and shared our concerns and requests and appreciation ..
it was an ecstatic moment for me
God himself gently, and almost unnoticed, sanctioned our place as a church in our community

what a day
what a statement
what a God

....

endnote

while we can shield our children from the brokenness of our world, pretending it doesn't exist for fear they will be influenced to do drugs or alcohol or whatever .. might it not be opportunities for educating them as to what the world really looks like ? sharing the dreadnees as well as the goodness, and encouraging them to live appropriate lives  ?

if the pastor had cutoff the conversation, silencing the Accuser .. we, as a church, might not have had the opportunity to defend our positioning, to speak to our calling and our passion, to defend the downandout
another teaching opportunnity

this passage from Isaiah speaks to the moment
we so often diss the older testament, while apotle paul quotes it at length as a teaching device
“ Shout it aloud, do not hold back. Raise your voice like a trumpet. Declare to my people their rebellion and to the descendants of Jacob their sins. For day after day they seek me out; they seem eager to know my ways, as if they were a nation that does what is right and has not forsaken the commands of its God. They ask me for just decisions and seem eager for God to come near them.
' Why have we fasted,’ they say,‘and you have not seen it? Why have we humbled ourselves, and you have not noticed?’
“Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please and exploit all your workers. Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists. You cannot fast as you do today and expect your voice to be heard on high.
Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for people to humble themselves? Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed and for lying in sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord?
“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter, when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: ' Here am I. ' “If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

that same drunken homeless angelperson showed up at another community meeting later that day; one of the things they told me privately was they're ill, bleeding, in pain, need to get medical help .. they said the only way they can deaden the pains somewhat to sleep is to drink a fifth of alcohol every night ... .

who on earth am I to judge that ? or you  ?  or the parading ' christian ' that ranted in church   ?

 ..    .     . .  .     .

i saw him a few hours ago
he said to me, ' only God's love is perfect, and i'm not God; the only thing i can do is to try to love and help everyone i meet ' ..
how do you top that ? ?
   you don't

....

epilogue

whenever i judge, i am judged
and in the futurelife i will be judged at the same standard to which i judged
think about that .. the harsher i am, the harsher i myself will be judged .. i set the limits of my own judgement

.. ..  .  . . .       .

doctrines of men ..

i'm a book person
been reading from the time i could hold one, almost

recently, i've (again) run across someone who likes to quote an author to support this or that point they're making
this on things christian

just butt into it again as i'm looking at a promotional email from a christian book seller ..
remembering the days i was involved in that, and the acrid taste it left in the back of my throat..
the taste of green
opinion: america turned education for christians into business.. big business
far far too often, the motivation becomes the Almighty US$

... . .   .     .

it would do us well, me included, to remember that it is scripture that is breathed by God, not the thoughts and words of men
not that God doesn't inspire anymore
he breathes still
but some of us tend to quote author(s) more than we do scripture, more than we do God .. .

just sayin'

undertow

in the philosophy of Jesus
to see things from the top, head downward, then look up ..

it's a tough principle to inculcate
runs against the brain-grain, the natural, assumed human way ..

but Jesus was all for upside-down 'cause the kingdom of God is nothing like what we think it is, and it takes a newly created being to see that ..
that's why apostle paul frames ' in-Christ ' as ' new creation '
which turns out to be re-creation - into the human we were meant to be in the first place ..
 .... . .  .. . . . .       .

apostle John records Jesus' upside-down philosophy in chapters 3-5..
especially ch 5
and the sermon on the mount is inarguably the greatest monologue on the topic

it's not the easiest philosophy to follow .. our minds recognize it as unnatural, as in does-not-compute, doesn't fit well with society's view of success/accomplishment .. besides, how do i actually do that ? ..
but somehow it begins to feel right
our conscience bearing witness to the veracity of the simple reverse-motivated attitide
..
give, don't get
bless, don't curse
help, don't hurt
share, don't store
love, don't hate

and the thing is, don't simply comply/satisfy the request/need
go twice as far out of your way .. do it abundantly, with passion

think about that a minute ..


how do we keep the passion in our giving, our forgiving, our sharing ..
'cause apart from passion, it means little ..
passion means the ' me ' is in it
wholeheartedly

we can meet the need, but with the wrong motivation ..
or we can have the right motivation but be short on passion ..
Jesus said to give my self to it completely

here's one example

apostle paul, in a letter to the churches at Corinth, encouraged them to give to their fellow-christians in Jerusalem who were experiencing drought/famine conditions, and suffering as a result
he brought the ' share ' principle to mind - ' you benefitted from them, now share something you have for their need ' ..
i get that
it resounds with me

but
then
he upped the ante
he told them to give ' hilariously '
hilariously
as in, ' yeaaa ! '
like ' wow ! I get to give '

that's the difference between
giving from duty
vs giving from a rightly motivated heart
vs giving with delight, excitement .. passion

it's like when you love someone, you're excited to give them something .. .

' and the second is just like it .. love your neighbour as your self .. '
says Jesus ..

it's inside-out
reverse-think
unnatural

love enemies ?
giveup your life for me ?
bless the ones as they curse you ?
totally crazy
like, that's asking to get stepped-on, as in regularly

passion ..

me .. i have to be me in such a way that the passion stays fired
the passion consumes me

go there
do that
for God's sake ..
and in Jesus' name

what is gospel, again ..

with every new week i'm becoming more convinced that Jesus' words about the narrow way and the few that find it is finally beginning to make sense to me

the majority of people who assume the moniker ' christian ' are swimming in a deluded pool of fooling-myself
because we ' believe ' that being ' saved ' = a formula for success = the american way =  the way of being ' successful ' at something = theologies and doctrines and rules and steps and numbers and tithes and sunday services and mega and productions and ' revival meetings ' and counting dollars and tele preachers and prosperity and .. and ... .. . . . . .

we have muddied the waters
and the people who ' need a doctor ' are the unfortunate fallout
they are seeing the church as ineffective and un-where-it's-at and irrelevant to their lives
and looking for other ways that reflect reality
that see their suffering and their spiritual lostness and address those things with compassion and care, not drama and $ ..
they're daring to diss the church, walking away, middle finger upraised
.. and rightly so

and Jesus is sitting there
head-in-hands
watching in wonderment as they walk
saying to himself, like " what did i do wrong? did i stammer or stutter or speak a language they couldn't understand? "
like " i made it as simple as possible - follow me; that's it; just follow me "
" a disciple is not greater than his master; he can, though, be like his master.
just be like me; don't try to outdo me, do like i do
follow me " ..

and we don't get it

like the people that were ( are ? ) all upset at the homeless person that was drunken and abrasive outside the church building on a recent sunday
and everyone wanted them gone
and they left
maybe never to return

.. what would they say if they were told this person is probably dying, and may not have much longer to live, has been homeless for a dozen years, and lost a child to a car wreck recently ..
does that make the person a candidate for soaking their sorrows in alcohol ?
would their attitude change ?
i wonder

what if they never see them again because they ' turned me away; i'm not wanted here '
what if .. that person dies with that in mind ..
what will Jesus say to us ?
what will Jesus say to that person about us ?
what will he say to me  ??

what if somebody had stepped up to the plate and used that opportunity to teach the highandmighty church a lesson in Jesusness
brought the person in
sidestepped the usual ' way things are done '
and showed the person love
even when they became abusive ' in church '

' we love you '

i'm not sure how that would pan out
but it sure makes for incredible thought-manure
it sure challenges the proud us-ness that pervades the Body-so-called
it sure smells like something Jesus might do

and it would have put a mark on the face of that church that they ' mean business ' when they say everyone is welcome, and everyone is accepted, and ' come as you are '

time to take off the collar and move the podium to one side
time maybe to take Jesus seriously
treat people like they really bear the imago dei
love them like they're the only person that matters
like that one sheep Jesus mentioned one day a while back ..

who the hell do i think i am to send that person packing because we're too stuck in not offending the people in the service, not ' disrupting ' the program, disturbing the message or the music or whathehellever
'cause it's sunday, and this is how we do sunday - hands raised, noses in the air, legs crossed, bibles open ..
we might lose their ' support ' ( think $ here )

and the stink rises pungently on the hot air of the ' prayers '
as scripture cries out
With what shall I come before the Lord and bow down before the exalted God?
   Shall I come before him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old? ..
   Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?
He has shown you, O mortal, what is good, and what [it is] the Lord requires of you ..
          To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.

who do we really think we are ..

who are we ???????????????

who am i  ?  ??

disruption ??
            that person is the ' sick ' Jesus mentioned that needs a doctor
disturbing ?
            that person is the church,
            is the purpose of the church
is my concern
is my brother/sister
and mine is to love them

love
them
each one
sick
injured
drunken
ptsd'ed
bipolared
methed

these are the very people God loves
and you, o christian ..
do you think that because you point fingers and identify the sinner and point out the sins
that you will escape the judgement of God, you who are supposed to be the refuge of God ? ?
   really ? !
   duplicity
the Body precisely to whom those people should be coming for acceptance in their distressed drunkenness, in their disorderly emotionalised condition   ?
   ? ? ?

while we plan
and design
and up the music value
and organize
and purty-up
   posturing ..

i have a problem with it too
i too am ashamed the person is in that condition and acting that way ..
but that's my problem, my own misunderstanding of Jesus' way

he didn't care much for pews and pulpits
' sunday best '
musical performances
propriety
   not much ..
he cared only for the lost
the sick that need doctoring
not those who think they got it, are ' in ', and think they don't need healing
'cause they can point out people's sins better than anyone ..

if the church is not mature enough to handle the irregulars
maybe i ( we ) need to do thinks differently

remember Jesus' approach
and stop
   for God's sake stop chasing off the rabble
change our mind
diss' the religion
assume the position of Rabbi Jesus
embrace the wounded
   the broken
   the out-of-the-way
   the irregulars
   the disturbed
   the drugged/alcoholed/emotioned/out-of-control
every time
70 times 7 times

Jesus did
and he didn't care what the church thought about it
the religious
the wayward religious
the religious-proud
the religious duty-bound
the religious intelligentsia
the religious snobs
the would-be christians who don't know what christianity is because the church has it all wrong

i for one am done with it
either we change
or i change
because, to me, we're simply performing and taking in money to support our performances
and get our religious fix ..
   ya  ?

i follow Jesus
not anyone else
not any movement or church or preacher or doctrine

i follow him

he says " bring me you demonized, your sick, your drunken and disorderly, your brokenhearted, your parentless, your widows, your aged, your excons, your abused
bring them
i love them "

i need to love them too ..
the imago dei

struggle ..

i don't remember the context
and i'm not going to look it up right now
i just remember the clause ' bringing every thought into captivity to christ ' ..
   it may be in the context of divisiveness

i have this thing going on in my mind
i can't control it, it seems ..
my mind goes places i'd rather it not go
wicked places
places where i'm angry at people
places where things bother me, things that i shouldn't allow to bother me in the way they bother me

rohr's continual references to forgiveness and the dualistic human condition held together in perfect unity by Jesus speak to this ..
Jesus holds together the tension of opposites, and in their ultimate shapes of life and death. Humanity itself could be defined as that which is eternally crucified and eternally resurrected—all at once!

and, more to the point,
As long as we keep trying to deal with the mystery of evil in some way other than forgiveness and healing, we will continue to create negative ideologies like fundamentalism and nihilism in all their endless forms. One demands perfect order; the other denies that it is even possible. Jesus does neither, but lives on the horns of the human dilemma.

...    .    .
and i'm sitting there thinking ' i'm a follower of Jesus ' ..

how do i reconcile those 2  ??

i know, i know
romans 7 and apostle paul's comments about doing what i don't want to do, etc.
been there
according to the doctrinaires, that's not about that, it's about the struggle between law and grace ..
i still struggle with that interpretation ..

anyway, i'm stuck in this dualistic owen thingy
and it makes me think i'm a loser
i'm missing the boat
i'm fooling myself into thinking i'm something i'm not ..
as i posted sometime ago
' am i fooling my self into thinking i'm who i think i am ?  ? '
well, am i  ?

somehow have to fix this
reconcile it
forgive it
change it ..
i'm not in the zone with Jesus enough
and/or i'm allowing distractions ..
either way
my spirit relinquishes control to my bodymind ..
fail

i have to be acting like new creation
i have to inculcate Jesus

i'm following him
just too far off, methinks
i need to get closer to him
so i can smell him, touch him, see the lines in his face as he laughs, the furrow on his brow as he sorrows
see the tear fall from his eye ..

i need Jesus to be my core
my very breath
the beallandendall
my reason for being
without distraction

i need to abandon Owen for Jesus

as the man said, ' if anyone wants to be my disciple, they have to deny themselves in picking up their cross ... then, follow after me '

got to
the day is far spent ..

God makes grace out of our grit, salvation out of our sin. 
We are saved, ironically, not by doing it right as much as by the suffering of having done it wrong. 
We come to God not through our perfection (thank God!) as much as through our imperfection. 

Finally, all must be forgiven and reconciled. Life does not have to be fixed, controlled or even understood for me to be happy.
      rohr