unfortunately i/we can't
lifebottles are sealed
contents can't be altered
what's in stays in ..
so there's this ..
take what's there, as it is, and use it as a present foundation to step forward
as in a reality i accept and am willing to work with ..
that means the good and the bad ..
the failures and the successes
the disappointments and the pleasant surprises
the curses and the blessings
the pains and the pleasures
and it means the things i did and the things done to me
all of it
'cause each bit was a chip chipped in the me that i've become
..
it's all me
it all contributes to who we are today
and when you shake the bag, there am i
in the dust of it all
..
the thing is for me to not deny this or that part
hide it under a bushel
play pretendthatdidn'thapppen
run from that awful thing we said or did ..
this lifebottle of those awful things we said or did
those huge bags of our stink pukish garbage from which we avert our eyes
cling to the bright spots like little saviours
we wear as blinders against the bad
escape hatches from the truth
sink ourselves in the sweet aroma of scented bathsoap
to hide the dirt of who we are
trying desperately to convince ourselves of the dream we want so much to be
or want someone else to be for us ..
all dressed-up and perfumed
nowhere to go ..
not a damned place to go except right here
staring me down in the reflection of my lifebottle
..
thing is we are who we have become ..
that leaves us with a couple choices
do the hidefromme thing and only acknowledge the pretty frilly stuff
or wallow in the stink parts and disallow the good
or recognize the all of it all
admit every piece as a piece of me
and walk on
or crawl
'cause i don't want to remain there in the delusion of heaven at the expense of hell
.. i'm heaven and hell
all two both
and that mixed bag of my stuff cannot be deleted
like some i'm-sorry-i-posted-that FB post or tweet i wish i hadn't ..
it must be upended on the living-room floor
seen
recognized
acknowledged
" so then .. this is me .. . . wow .. . "
the very important key to life now is .. what do i do with it all
sorting it into its puzzled pieces
even the parts we don't understand
the " like how did that ever happen's "
the " how on earth could i ever have done that's "
" what kind of a lowlife am i "
even the events that left long-scarring welts on my soul
it's my stuff
it's my life
it's what made me who I am today
it doesn't belong to anyone else
not even a parent or spouse ..
it's mine
and until the day I own my stuff
accept it for what it is
I'm living vicariously
because I'm trying to live life as someone
I'm not ..
this isn't some obtuse reality tv
this is my life
and Jesus can't save me
if I'm not me
Jesus can't save a myth
a dreamy version of someone i want to be
Jesus can only save the me that i am
lifebottle in toto
all that's in the bottle is mine
Jesus can work with that
if I just acknowledge it, own it, and confess it ..
this is me
here am I, cracked open and broken, smelly goop and all, ugly as hell
but I'm Yours
