embracing it all ..

perhaps if i/we could put it all back in the bottle and start again ..

unfortunately i/we can't
lifebottles are sealed
contents can't be altered
what's in stays in ..

so there's this ..
take what's there, as it is, and use it as a present foundation to step forward
   as in a reality i accept and am willing to work with ..

that means the good and the bad ..
the failures and the successes
the disappointments and the pleasant surprises
the curses and the blessings
the pains and the pleasures
and it means the things i did and the things done to me
all of it
'cause each bit was a chip chipped in the me that i've become
..

it's all me
it all contributes to who we are today
and when you shake the bag, there am i
   in the dust of it all
..

the thing is for me to not deny this or that part
   hide it under a bushel
   play pretendthatdidn'thapppen
run from that awful thing we said or did ..
   this lifebottle of those awful things we said or did
      those huge bags of our stink pukish garbage from which we avert our eyes
cling to the bright spots like little saviours
   we wear as blinders against the bad
      escape hatches from the truth
sink ourselves in the sweet aroma of scented bathsoap
   to hide the dirt of who we are
trying desperately to convince ourselves of the dream we want so much to be
   or want someone else to be for us ..
all dressed-up and perfumed
nowhere to go ..

not a damned place to go except right here
   staring me down in the reflection of my lifebottle

..

thing is we are who we have become ..

that leaves us with a couple choices
do the hidefromme thing and only acknowledge the pretty frilly stuff
or wallow in the stink parts and disallow the good
or recognize the all of it all
   admit every piece as a piece of me
   and walk on
      or crawl

'cause i don't want to remain there in the delusion of heaven at the expense of hell
.. i'm heaven and hell
all two both
and that mixed bag of my stuff cannot be deleted
   like some i'm-sorry-i-posted-that FB post or tweet i wish i hadn't ..
it must be upended on the living-room floor
   seen
   recognized
   acknowledged
      " so then .. this is me .. . . wow .. . "


the very important key to life now is .. what do i do with it all
sorting it into its puzzled pieces
   even the parts we don't understand
      the " like how did that ever happen's "
      the " how on earth could i ever have done that's "
      " what kind of a lowlife am i "
   even the events that left long-scarring welts on my soul

it's my stuff
it's my life
it's what made me who I am today
it doesn't belong to anyone else
not even a parent or spouse ..

it's mine
and until the day I own my stuff
   accept it for what it is
I'm living vicariously
   because I'm trying to live life as someone
      I'm not ..

this isn't some obtuse reality tv
this is my life
and Jesus can't save me
   if I'm not me

Jesus can't save a myth
   a dreamy version of someone i want to be
Jesus can only save the me that i am
lifebottle in toto

all that's in the bottle is mine

Jesus can work with that
if I just acknowledge it, own it, and confess it ..
this is me

here am I, cracked open and broken, smelly goop and all, ugly as hell

but I'm Yours