My Precioussss ..

two unlikely mates
   a squirrel and a robin
ply the very green lawn
   looking for ..

smaller birds frolic in the evening's cooling 
   chattering in delight ..

an aged oak stands solid
   reaching up and out from on high ..

i'll walk in a bit
   in this unusual Fall July weather
thankful for the reprise
dogfriend in tow
   or perhaps leading me on ..

but I'll sit here a moment or 3
relishing my life 
   the same life i've so often regretted ..
..

I am a fortunate one ..
I see the hand of Father
lending me time
   to change
   transform
   mature
      deconstruct
      relearn
      remake
         re-be

what patience my Godfather shares
   with this petulant, melancholy, hard-headed, proud, self-absorbed son
      who only wants to run and hide, watch from some elevated cover
         like Zacchaeus
         hoping not to be seen
         but wanting so much to be touched
            by the Maker's hand

those beams and uprights, those boards tongued and grooved
took time
   effort
   thought
   conviction
   and much labor
to frame my Fortress ..

tear it down ?!!
a dreadful thought !
   'twas like stripping my own skin from my own frame ..

this was my safeplace
   from whence i surveyed all the wrong world
      and knew I was in the right
and the higher I built my walled Fortress
   the safer I felt
      inside
      all alone
         peering through my telescope for glimpse of 'God' 

but 'tis as the preacher preached ..
   God held my life on hold
   until such time as I came to claim it
      the life I should have had all along
      but instead took in its place the things of God
         about God
         from God
      thinking I was for God
      but missing God
         missing God!!
wondering all the while "why"
why !?!
..

I felt so lifeless
   lost
   empty
..

so some several years ago
   more than half my life spent building my edifice
i took a different toolset
   one with axe and sledge and saw
and, jaws set hard, set about tearing it down
   precious piece by precious piece
      .. My Precioussss
      de-Gollum-ing
angry, so so angry at Me for the squander of my life's best energy ..

with every blow, each cut
i sliced into myself
   took the lash
   blow after blow
      chastising the Me I was
breaking It down
watching my Fortress fall
   piece by precious piece
with me in regret..

it nearly ruined me
   i surely died a thousand deaths ..
but somehow in my dying
   i struggled
      fought
         teeth set hard
   lashing out at the facade i'd built
      and in so doing, unleashed a will
      to be remade
         reconstructed
         reborn ..

i was so dead from my dead, dread crying-out for God ..
   " where are you ?! "
   " where are you ?!! "
         became my cry ..
..

i still cry out to Godfather
   these dozen years in ..
i still struggle
i still israel
..
and i still want to hear
   Your voice
i still want to feel
   Your touch
i still want to smell
   Your aroma
i still want so much to see
   Your face
      Your smile
         to fall into Your gracious embrace
            and melt into You ..
..
but this time
You are my fortress
   and I'm good with that
..
i love you Jesus

Me