i see you ..

for some time there's been this direction in me that pines for God to touch me
   i mean physically touch me
say something
   i mean audibly unmistakably call my name

perhaps you've been there .. or not

and to be fully disclosed, God has touched me
   God used someone else's hand, but it was God nonetheless
and God has spoken to me many times
   using the mouths and language of others ..
and i'm not downcrying those experiences at all
.. not at all

perhaps the most glaring illustration of my desire would be this
some dark night while i lie in bed, i feel someone sit on the bed .. and Jesus comes to be there with me, and we talk ..
i long for it ..
..

someone put it somewhat differently
that perhaps what we want isn't so much to see God
   as to be seen by God

i question myself regularly on this desire of mine, in full view of the blatant faithlessness it embodies, to see God feel God hear God
as if my entanglement with this God of mine is somehow diminished without it
and, more often than not, proceed to upbraid myself for my 'little faith' (Jesus)

maybe the wiseman had a point ..
perhaps it's not so much a faithless cry as it is a longing to know that i am seen
by God
and by my family
my friend
my workmates, the neighbour, the dog ..
..

and i thought of Avatar, the movie, and the striking greeting that latched onto my soul when i heard it - " i see you "
what a wonderful way to embrace someone in words

selah

and then too i heard Russell Brand speaking his own brand of wisdom in the face of addiction (in whatever form) saying (basically) that the root of addictive behaviour stems from loneliness and a need to be in active, functioning relations where we can be utterly honest ..

and then there's people disguised as addicts in AA and Celebrate Recovery and other such 12-step recovery programs reaching out for those relationships

..

i wonder
if perhaps my longing for God's touch never was a test of my faith in God
but more a longing to know
   that i am seen
that God sees me
God knows me
God wants me
.. God knows my name

..

perhaps my issue was .. i know God sees me
but i always imagined that seeing as a policing
like Big Brother's ubiquitous utterly unwanted presence
   and i didn't want to be seen by that god

there's a long distance between the god in the control room
and the one that comes to sit on my bed to talk
or that gently lays a hand on my shoulder while i ask for a touch
.. i want to be seen by that God

..

i hope this think helps me to realize that people need to be seen
   by me

i need to see people
not just walk by
brush past
nod
mutter a " how ya doing? "

God .. open my eyes and my ears
to see you and to hear your voice in the people i meet
and to recognize them as living images of You
   to see them

..

" i see you "