my Me-room ..

sometimes
    outstepping my transformation
i lie
   mostly to      Me
..

i walk by it      because this ..
in this particular room in my Mehouse
   Lies have adorned the walls for so long ..   
      i can hardly imagine this space without them
            familiar
            comfortable
            security-Lies
               of all the colours that suit the palette of this Meroom
..
sometimes
   which is far more often than i care to admit to you
      ( or You )
i go there to escape my new Me      transformed Me
         Me In Process
to walk away from the Me that just walked around the corner
   headed in my direction
!
dash !
left !      LEFT !
close the door!   quick!
..
knock knock      knock knock knock ..
shhhhhh .. don't open it ..
..
..

i slip into something comfortable
and gaze
   out of the periphery of my gaze
at the art i'd made
   to cover these walls
      obliterate the image s
      drown the sound s
      mask the scar s
         of me ..
                            no shiny surfaces
                               darkened
                               dimmed
                                  repressed

.. and i slowly ease Me into the Easychair
lost
   at last
   just for a bit ..
      rest ..
.
 .
  .   while the i that i am
         is shut out

      .. and now the acid rises in my esophagus
            and wet hot runs lines down my face
               eyes burn
            in this dingy dim
                  of my Meroom
   ..
.
.
i hate this place ..
   ..
i hate the smell of it
i hate the taste of it
i hate the dark
   the colours
   the sketches
   the faces
   the writing on the walls
   the clammy sticky chair
      that reaches out to grab my wrists and ankles
..
i hate it ..
i hate it ..
..
the blood rises in my face
   hot
as my pulse runs ..
teeth bite down hard
neck veins engorge
muscles strain
   to loose me from this madness
      in my entangling
      imprisoning
         Meroom      where my Lies still live
                             in all their grim awful
                                Dark Dread
                             in all their fearfulling ..
i hate it !
..
.
the sweat drenches in my escape
footprints paint the cold floor
..  more art in honour of
       my Lie s
..
wet fingers can barely turn the knob         curse !
   to get out !!
..
the door slowly moves
   heavy
   resisting me ..
it's steamy sick breath vomiting at my efforts
..
hard to breathe ..
..
arghh
..
out !!      out ..
..
      ..
   .
a cooling Wind anoints
   balming
   immersing
   floating
   weightless
      calming
      into Rest
      relief
         Rescue
..
      ..
one day
   soon         soon
i'm taking Me by the hand
   into that Meroom
      with spotlights
         and a whole new palette
and we'll refurbish ..
      there'll be flowers everywhere !
         the sounds of musics
                and a cooling Wind ..

.. make it so

the spirit is willing, but the flesh ..

Genesis 15   1 Some time later, the Lord spoke to Abram in a vision and said to him, “Do not be afraid, Abram, for I will protect you, and your reward will be great.” 

But Abram replied, “O Sovereign Lord, what good are all your blessings when I don’t even have a son? Since you’ve given me no children, Eliezer of Damascus, a servant in my household, will inherit all my wealth. You have given me no descendants of my own, so one of my servants will be my heir.”

4 Then the Lord said to him, “No, your servant will not be your heir, for you will have a son of your own who will be your heir.” Then the Lord took Abram outside and said to him, “Look up into the sky and count the stars if you can. That’s how many descendants you will have!” 

And Abram believed the Lord, and the Lord counted him as righteous because of his faith.

7 Then the Lord told him, “I am the Lord who brought you out of Ur of the Chaldeans to give you this land as your possession.”

8 But Abram replied, “O Sovereign Lord, how can I be sure that I will actually possess it?”

9 The Lord told him, “Bring me a three-year-old heifer, a three-year-old female goat, a three-year-old ram, a turtledove, and a young pigeon.” 

10 So Abram presented all these to him and killed them. Then he cut each animal down the middle and laid the halves side by side; he did not, however, cut the birds in half. Some vultures swooped down to eat the carcasses, but Abram chased them away. As the sun was going down, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a terrifying darkness came down over him. 

13 Then the Lord said to Abram, “You can be sure that your descendants will be strangers in a foreign land, where they will be oppressed as slaves for 400 years. But I will punish the nation that enslaves them, and in the end they will come away with great wealth. (As for you, you will die in peace and be buried at a ripe old age.) After four generations your descendants will return here to this land, for the sins of the Amorites do not yet warrant their destruction.”

After the sun went down and darkness fell, Abram saw a smoking firepot and a flaming torch pass between the halves of the carcasses. So the Lord made a covenant with Abram that day and said, “I have given this land to your descendants, all the way from the border of Egypt[a] to the great Euphrates River— the land now occupied by the Kenites, Kenizzites, Kadmonites, Hittites, Perizzites, Rephaites, Amorites, Canaanites, Girgashites, and Jebusites.”

..

sometimes      God promises ..

Abram believed what God said

   God considers that to be proof of Abram's allegiance

Abram asks God for assurance

   God asks Abram for sacrifice

Abram prepares the sacrifice

   vultures congregate to degrade it

   Abram protects the sacrifice until God is ready ..

      even though God calls for the sacrifice and 

      Abram obeys, God is not ready

Abram gets tired waiting on God and sleeps

   (recall the disciples in Gethsemane)

   darkness and terror      nightmare

      perhaps Abram doubts God now

         (he believed at the first.. perhaps God is now 

         testing his belief that he asked God to confirm)

      perhaps he thinks God has left him alone

the threat from without - vultures

the threat from within - terrifying darkness

God shows up in person

   with a smoking firepot and a burning torch

      to consume the sacrifice

      to consummate the agreement God made

         with Godself through Abraham 

            for humanity ..

God makes a covenant and assumes full 

   responsibility for both parties      

      so we would know with absolute 

         assurance that the Blessing is for us ..

God signed the contract as Party 1 and Party 2

..

thought ..

when God promises me something

   and i accept that as a promise from God

then there will be external attacks (vultures) 

and attacks from within (nightmares)

waiting is challenging ..

we must protect the promise from vultures

and we must be careful to trust when we get tired

   

we persevere

   because God is faithful

God will show up

   and vindicate the promise

i can trust God

lean on that ..

amen

skin deep ..

this is really very taxing

think 'toll' ..

there's a price to pay

   watching the brutality of our humanity on our humanity

   the violence

   the fear explode

   the lies manifest

.. 

the lie

did God really   ?

did God really create   ?

   you   ?

      in the very image of Godself   ?

         to be like God   ?

did God really

   take that image

      to be one of us   ?

does God really

   have hands and feet   ?

   and skin   ?

what colour skin   ?

does that question bother me   ?

finding You ..

how can i find You

if i  don't follow the rules

   ?

   concrete

   budge-less

   so-very-well-defined

   inflexible

   bounden

   tight

      all the things that suck freedom from my bones

         leave me mindless

         heartless

         soulless

         automaton

         un-Me ..

..

un-Me

constructed of rules laws expectations

don't blink

don't think

don't 

   ..

how can i find You

if i follow rules

   ?

You

   Wind with no direction

      from or to

   Spirit with nothing

      to grab on to

   Word spoken

   Grace given

   Love Expressed

      freely

      boundless

      eternal

      unlimited

         You ..

.. swallow me whole