'enabling' the downandout ..

a decade or so ago, while walking to work, i passed a man sleeping in an alley
it was 7-something
he was covered with a split-open cardboard box
his visible legs were bare, pieces of cardboard tied to his feet - his shoes

i paused ..

walked on

`|`

somehow i couldn't get this man out of my mind

`|`

some days earlier i had passed an alley and seen a woman sitting there, rifling through her bundle ..
i stopped and asked her if i could help in any way
shockingly she seemed angry at the thought, told me she didn't want anything from me ..
i couldn't figure that out
thought on it over and over
why ?

perhaps that had some effect on my reticence to approach the cardboard man

..

i closed the store, put an 'i'll be back shortly' notice on the glass door, and went looking for him
i found him still there ..
i bought him (and me) something to eat
and we talked

he was an intelligent person, apparently ran some sort of construction business that failed
he lost his wife and child - she kicked him out when he turned to alcohol

..

i took him to main street, into a shoe shop
immediately the looks
when i realized the disruption it was causing to the workers, i approached one of them and said i wanted to buy the man a pair of shoes
they said he couldn't be in there
(ok, he smelled bad, and looked very rough, so i understand the attitude)
we moved outside the door to the sidewalk and tried shoes
he chose a pair of construction boots

..

the next day i took him some of my own clothes

..

he came around to the store occasionally over the next few days
and then i didn't see him for a while
and when i did there were no boots ..
he said they had been stolen

..

i know he was still drinking

i continued to get him food and occasionally gave him money
although i figured he was probably using it to buy liquor
..

i was of mixed mind
was i helping or hurting my friend ?

..
.

was i 'enabling' him ??

`|`

that wasn't the first time i dealt with that
but this one really brought it home somehow

what was my response to be as a Christian
more specifically, and more pertinently to me, what should i do as a Jesusperson ??
how would Jesus deal with it ?

..

that think has dogged me since then
followed me around like i follow my self

people holding a sign at intersections
or sitting on the sidewalk

..

i did come to a position
i was going to help any way i could, whether that was buying food or clothes or giving them money
and i was going to leave the sorting-out to God

sometimes i would say something like ' i give you this in Jesus' name ', or ' God bless you ' and shake their hand
i guess i was trying to put a divine spin on it in their mind .. maybe that would make them think twice about spending the money on alcohol or drugs ..
and then i stopped with that attitude too; i simply blessed them .. period .. in God's name
and prayed for them as i walked away

..

God will deal with me on that someday, one way or the other
but .. my conscience is clear, for whatever that's worth

..

it's getting colder
and the thought of people sleeping in the street in the cold and the rain and the snow is again creeping up on me ..
that's my hallow e'en

i remember opening the doors and the street people walking in at 4 a.m.
serving them hot breakfast and a chance to sleep in peace

some were using before they came in
some had been drinking ..
most were dirty
bag-eyed
clutching their life in a backpack like it was their very life
everyone needed to use the bathroom .. some used it to clean-up ..
   cleaning the bathroom afterwards was always a test of my intestinal fortitudinosity .. really

i knew they would be back on the street today/tonight
knew they would be panhandling
some stealing
some using
scratching-out survive another day
eat bathroom clothing shower? shave? feminine needs?

... . .  .   . what do i do ?

was i enabling them in their drug use and alcoholism when i offered them food ?
after all, if they got free food they could use any money they had for using ..

`|`

this wasn't supposed to be a long-winded blog, but it's a serious matter for many, and i needed to lay a groundwork, a basis for the think, a you-follow-me-in so you can personalize it
you have to come to a decision for yourself ..

`|`

thing is
i keep hearing i'm enabling them

enabling

i wonder .. ... .

when a person has to sleep curled up under a hedge or in some darkened alley or under a parked truck or out in the woods ..
every night looking for a 'safe' place
where do i get off judging that person for needing to use to make it through the night and face the next day in the face of ridicule disgust berate get-a-job-you-bum get-out-of-here no-you-can't-use-the-bathroom ..

if it was me lying there afraid that someone would beat the crap out of me and steal my life .. every night
or rape me
if it was me facing 'decent' people every day with no sense of self-respect left
   that long gone with the repeated ridicule
   i'm now an unhuman human
   a worthless scumbag
..

`|`

i'm left with this ..

when i think of what i think and do and say
when i consider that i am quite the sinner
when i toss my self in the ring of life and watch me there in all my unGodliness
when i consider that i am an affront to God in the many many ways i am an affront to God
when i look at me
and then i consider God ..

when i think about God being there for me and meeting my needs every day
i don't have to sleep outdoors or scrounge for food or look for a toilet or beg
when i reflect on the fact that God still looks out for me
   and still loves me
in the midst of the me that i glaringly am
that Jesus washes MY feet ..

is God enabling me

??