we're all in need of embrace ..

i watched 'Time Out of Mind' with richard gere
days on the street with a homeless person
kinda what that's like

not much drama
not much plot
not much thrill
..
just life on the street for a 'middle class homeless' man
   there are classes of homeless, you know

..

someone said it was boring ..
well, there's that
not much excitement in the life of middle class homeless
life mostly consists of pointlessness
   no point in getting up in the morning
   kinda thing
      no job to go to, lawn to mow, dinner to cook, football game to watch ..
the only real motivation lies in the pit of the stomach, and the muscle shivers, and the body smell, and the dirty shirt ..

so, ya .. not much in terms of exciting movie stuff there
or exciting homeless lives
most of it is the daytoday slog of meaninglessness
   and the slow deepening of the depression that goes with that
and the unimaginable loss of any sense of self respect
   as they watch themselves sort through a garbage can on the street
      in full view of everyone .. and choose something to eat
   and face the night in a dark alleycorner as everyone heads home
      to family to dinner a warm shower fresh clothes and bed

..

and then, there are the lower class homeless
the ones that get caught
that can't stand themselves to the point of having to 'self-medicate'
alcohol
meth
heroin
oxy
..
have to find a way to quell the mind
   stop my mind!
'cause they have a hard time seeing their reflection in the store window
   that's .. me ..??
admitting that's me ..

there's more of course ..
selling my body
someone taking my body without my permission
someone taking my stuff
someone beating me for whatever stuff they thought i had
   cause they need their fix too, you know
   they have their demons too

..

so ya, there wasn't much excitement there
just the realization that noone acknowledges homeless panhandlers
   'course there is the odd-one-out
   like the restaurant owner that offered him rice and something ..
most of the time the only acknowledgement is
   " get the hell outa here! "
   or " get a freakin' job ya bum! "
   or the daughter that hated the very sight of this, her dad, who left her
      with grandparents
      dad, that lives a feel-sorry-for-yourself-life in a bottle

..

i had my memories ..
   time spent on the west coast among homeless folk
and the movie resurrected my dread feelings of hopelessness and my own self-loathing for not being able to resurrect them, save them, heal them, give them back their humanity

..

when Jesus said that we would do much more than what they witnessed him do in his time ..

what answer will i have to give him when i see him

what answer do i have for them

.. .

and then i think of my own spiritual homelessness
my own addictions
my own delusions
my own desertions
my own struggle to blankout my
   own accusing mind
my own struggle to find spiritual
   food every day
to find a reason to get up
digging in garbage cans for hope
.. handle my own demons

.. perhaps there's a hellofalot more homeless in me than i care to admit to me
      spiritual bum!

..

then
imagine Jesus walking the streets at night ..

can you ?

what do we think his reaction would be to that homeless person
lying there
alone
in their bottle
needle still in the vein

??

what do you think his reaction would be to me
in my homeless aloneness
in my bottle
my spirituality shredded in that pile of garbage
   leaking out of that needle

??

i think
compassion
and embrace

absolutely !

..

mine, then, is to find a way to embrace me in my spiritual brokenness
and embrace my homeless brother and sister in their brokenness
in Jesus' name
in Jesus' place
..
for the love of God