communion .. .

i didn't 'go' to church today ..
and i don't feel guilty about it
one friend asks me every sunday we talk, "did you go to church?" ..

what i do feel is down
it's a downer
..

going to church is a joke
it's like going to the movies, or going to a restaurant
maybe better, going to a presentation, like a seminar, or a concert
.. and i'm not there at all

the church isn't a go-to
it's a be
a sharing
a belonging
a family
a grouping of friends

..

some years ago i bumped into 'small group', and i knew immediately that i had been missing out ..
an 8-12 person group of people who wanted to be in connection with each other, sharing food and talk and issues and concerns and hurts and happinesses and supporting each other with thoughts and counsel and prayer and things they needed ..

how do you do that in a gathering of 1,000

how do you do that when you feel uncomfortable because of the thrust of the church or someone(s) in the church, a push that doesn't gel with your understanding of Jesus-life ..

how do you do that when you walk out thinking .. ??
what was that
why do i feel so turned-around
why is my spirit disturbed

in the church ??
my spirit disturbed among church ??
..

i'm lost
and i know i'm lost
and the church is the very last place a person should feel lost
challenged maybe
encouraged for sure
comforted
released
renewed
enlightened
understood

but disturbed ?
nah
   maybe once-in-one-of-those-hagee-bloodmoons
hardly the norm

..

i'm disappointed again
again
i miss being part-of
i dreadfully miss someone sharing what God challenged them with from the scriptures this week
the thing that God said to them "tell them this"
   and a phrase or a thought, a recognizable think sparks life in me,
   in some dark chamber where i hide me ..

i miss the kinship
a spiritual recognition that flattens the walls
destroys the resentment, the envy, the jealousy, the judging
throws open the window for sun and breeze and birdcalls

i miss the sharing a meal .. "pass the cornbread"

i miss the family
   a depressing sink
the chatter around the table
   a welcome white noise
..
but i refuse to resort to the televisioned osteens and hagees and copelands
flat-out refuse
.. that simply ain't church, so he'p me God
..

so i'm sitting here on a sunday in a bookstore/coffeeshop ..
the children chattering as they play with the toys
the (ugh) country songs piped into my brain
the smell of coffee
the familiarity of the hundreds of bibles carefully presented on the shelf
and the tons of religious books - doctrinaire, he'p-yuhself, new discoveries, how-to's ..

it's not church
but i can't be alone this morning
i've got to at least feel like i'm involved
   even though i ain't ..

..

and i miss the centerpiece of the family table
   the blessed reminder of Jesus
      in the form of a loaf, broken and shared
      a cup poured and passed around
the internationally understood picture of family/friends sharing - the meal
the union of likeminded spirits mindful of the Lord Christ
..
         not some plastic-ed container with red drink, and some plasticized 'wafer'
            another western diminution of the genuine
         of all the things to reduce to commercially expeditiously reduced commodity
            God .. forgive us

..

today i lament ..

guess i'll sit here and journal about it .. in a blog of all places
guess i'll pull a book about christianity and Jesus and understanding .. maybe that'll comfort my torn soul a bit
guess i'll hope to find some stranger here to communicate with
   maybe even about Jesus ..

i guess ..

may you be blessed with union in communion today ..

peace