the death of me ..

when i ever dare to gaze at the cross of horror
   that place where the pristine Son of Humanity was tortured
i cannot find it in me to tarry long ..
i run to hide ..

while we have adorned that cross
   embellished it with gems, encased it in gold
   as if it were some glorious thing
my mind whirls in disgusting dread
   almost disbelief
as i reel in confused rage at the utter injustice
   the sheer madness of it

there is no 'wondrous cross' for me
although there is wonder in me
   a strange unable-to-comprehend how the creator of the universe
   could become human and then allow such abuse on himself
   on his body, on his soul ..
and too there is the place he became all the sin of all the world
and was forsaken by God
   the God with whom he had shared his being

i run
i hide
bury my mind as the thought tears ..
ignoble end for an utterly noble life
life of pure human in all of its wonderful potential
imago Dei released for all the world to see
   to wonder
   to gaze
   to covet
..

no, the cross for me is not a wonderful thing
it is a haunting
   in all its ragged raw roughness
stretching the sinews of my soul to tearing
compressing lungs .. can hardly breathe
pounding heart, powerful death-beat
bleeding out

while i didn't die there
i die there
and die, and die
..

the flesh of me must often be crucified
   often
so the spirit of me can rise
   come down from that cross
      dragging its flesh behind
..

cross
   place of shame
      his shame
      my shame
   of sorrow
   of lament
   of utter nakedness

i run
i hide

invariably i return
just here
to crucify my self
   again

awful it is
   that cross
      place of my disgrace
      place of grace
..

when i share in the Bread and Cup
i remind me he said to remember him in his death ..
   his death

the Table of community finds unity in remembering the death of Jesus
   remember the horror
   recall the abuse
   rebaptize in the blood
bleed out
.. and remarkably be born afresh

                     astonishing thought ..
..

yes
there is victory in that place
but a victory often shrouded in darkness
in death


`|`
go with God