pause ..

i just don't want to
   walk by
      or run by
   the cross
   in a mad rush
      towards sunday
   trying to bury
      friday
         before its time

a holy time
   holy space
..
shoes off
   bare feet
bared me
   naked
in the terrible suspense ..

no light
a cosmic pause
a still
   no thing moves
   no thing speaks
all of everything gasps

time rests its timeless tic


as this solitary human
   stretches his love
   wide across the universe he formed
   embracing it all
   resting it
   absorbing all the suffering pain cries
   disappointment futile hurt lostness
   alone ache bondage abuse groans
   confusion abandon
      in his own frail body
         broken
         poured out
         surrendered
..
      .     ...    ..    .   .
                    .  .      .        ..
in hope
   of that joy
      that lay ahead ..
sharing the glory again
having brought many many with him

lenting .. " yes "

i wonder at Jesus' ponderings as his mind went before him
   his imagination forming

and that blood
   must surely have raced through his excited heart
      chasing his thoughts ..
..

i wonder what You 2 spoke about in those last days ..

how did You manage to encourage him
   as he sat under the olive tree on the rise across the way
      the stars, the grass, the night watchers ..   ?

surely something in him remembered the days of old
   before he was born
   when you 2 lived and moved and had being
      together presenced   ..  .

surely as he grew into humanhood
   his heart recognized in Your daily presence
      a familiarity that stretched beyond his Earthdays ..
      Your Voice familiar somehow
         even if his mind couldn't reach out that far ..

   the comforting assurance of the Spirit's filling-full   fullfilling ..

   the resounding acknowledgment when You said
      "  this is my son beloved!
      IAM most pleased with him " ..

   the reassuring responses when he stretched himself out
      under the still-dark morning sky
   and spoke expectantly inYour direction
      asking
      or simply commenting on something
         that happened a few hours ago ..
   knowing Your heavenly-fatherly Voice
      would not at all tarry in reply ..
..

yes .. jerusalem was there
   up ahead
and the prospect of that dogged his shadow ..

but the day-shadows grew, and the night approached ..
things needed to be done while it was still day ..

the Light of the world
   set his mind as a flint
      as his mind turned towards jerusalem

yes .. .  .

i see you ..

for some time there's been this direction in me that pines for God to touch me
   i mean physically touch me
say something
   i mean audibly unmistakably call my name

perhaps you've been there .. or not

and to be fully disclosed, God has touched me
   God used someone else's hand, but it was God nonetheless
and God has spoken to me many times
   using the mouths and language of others ..
and i'm not downcrying those experiences at all
.. not at all

perhaps the most glaring illustration of my desire would be this
some dark night while i lie in bed, i feel someone sit on the bed .. and Jesus comes to be there with me, and we talk ..
i long for it ..
..

someone put it somewhat differently
that perhaps what we want isn't so much to see God
   as to be seen by God

i question myself regularly on this desire of mine, in full view of the blatant faithlessness it embodies, to see God feel God hear God
as if my entanglement with this God of mine is somehow diminished without it
and, more often than not, proceed to upbraid myself for my 'little faith' (Jesus)

maybe the wiseman had a point ..
perhaps it's not so much a faithless cry as it is a longing to know that i am seen
by God
and by my family
my friend
my workmates, the neighbour, the dog ..
..

and i thought of Avatar, the movie, and the striking greeting that latched onto my soul when i heard it - " i see you "
what a wonderful way to embrace someone in words

selah

and then too i heard Russell Brand speaking his own brand of wisdom in the face of addiction (in whatever form) saying (basically) that the root of addictive behaviour stems from loneliness and a need to be in active, functioning relations where we can be utterly honest ..

and then there's people disguised as addicts in AA and Celebrate Recovery and other such 12-step recovery programs reaching out for those relationships

..

i wonder
if perhaps my longing for God's touch never was a test of my faith in God
but more a longing to know
   that i am seen
that God sees me
God knows me
God wants me
.. God knows my name

..

perhaps my issue was .. i know God sees me
but i always imagined that seeing as a policing
like Big Brother's ubiquitous utterly unwanted presence
   and i didn't want to be seen by that god

there's a long distance between the god in the control room
and the one that comes to sit on my bed to talk
or that gently lays a hand on my shoulder while i ask for a touch
.. i want to be seen by that God

..

i hope this think helps me to realize that people need to be seen
   by me

i need to see people
not just walk by
brush past
nod
mutter a " how ya doing? "

God .. open my eyes and my ears
to see you and to hear your voice in the people i meet
and to recognize them as living images of You
   to see them

..

" i see you "

life light and dead leaves ..

we walk nonchalantly on the colors
like so much dead leaves
when only a few days gone we looked up in awe of the glory of the falling shades
of reds yellows oranges
..
how quickly our view changes
..
one day we're hopeful
full of anticipation for the coming good
our eyes full of reflected
reds yellows oranges
the next we're walking all over our hope
like so much dead leaves
eyes down
disparaging life itself ..
..               
O Word of God
in whom is life
life that lights us all
may we remember our light
that shines in our dark places ..
that darkness cannot put it out ..
may we recognize the light in us
see the light in the tunnel
head towards the light ..

light attracts light

edify, as in uplift ..

sometimes
   sometimes unthinkingly
   sometimes out of sheer habit
we make a comment that is
   making fun of
   making light of
   mocking
   deriding
someone ..
   as in      a person ..
..

it's quite easy to do ..
especially with people we perceive to be
   not-as-smart
   not-as-active
   not-as-educated
   not-as-good looking
   not-as-accomplished
   not-as-cool
      as we are

best we resist this impulse
   methinks

it's a diminutive gesture that looks to elevate ourselves in the eyes of the person with whom we're sharing the degrading comment

so, basically, we're stepping on someone else to give ourself a legup
and that really sucks         if you think about it

ours is never to undermine anyone, regardless of their apparent status or the laughability of this or that trait of theirs
   cheap trick
..

Jesus taught us to look to elevate people, improve their sense of self-worth, encourage, help, come alongside ..
   generally look to be neighbourly
      good Samaritan ish

he even said we should love our enemy ..
..

         selah

and then there's Paul and some comments he made in 1Corinthians 13
   that we might want to place alongside those Jesus-saids ..
there he said things like
   Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. .. 
   It does not relish wrong but celebrates right
..

..
it's telling when people who are viewed as 'leaders', particularly in the Christian tradition, belittle others ..
methinks that's quite an un-leaderly thing
   and   quite   unChristian
      seriously

friends, these things ought not be so
let us shoot for a higher standard
Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Philipppians 4:8

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others.       Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.       (Philippians 2:3)
think on that verse a bit ..
.. and if there's still any ? left, walk through the verses that follow which, to me, are some of the most remarkable things the scriptures have to say
"     Develop the mind of Christ in you.      Even though he was in the position of God, he didn't consider that to be something that he couldn't relinquish.       
      He emptied himself and took the position of a servant, human form. Then, as a human, he further humbled himself in obedience, even to the point of dying on a cross.
      Because of that God honoured him, exalting him to the highest place, giving him the highest name, so that at the name      'Jesus'      every knee in heaven, on earth, and under the earth will bend, and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord, and God will get the glory.      (Philip 2.5-11)

see?
Jesus went the servant route      humble      servant      emptied himself

         Jesus

finally, friends
Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people.       And don’t think you know it all! Romans 12:16


peace
and love

My Precioussss ..

two unlikely mates
   a squirrel and a robin
ply the very green lawn
   looking for ..

smaller birds frolic in the evening's cooling 
   chattering in delight ..

an aged oak stands solid
   reaching up and out from on high ..

i'll walk in a bit
   in this unusual Fall July weather
thankful for the reprise
dogfriend in tow
   or perhaps leading me on ..

but I'll sit here a moment or 3
relishing my life 
   the same life i've so often regretted ..
..

I am a fortunate one ..
I see the hand of Father
lending me time
   to change
   transform
   mature
      deconstruct
      relearn
      remake
         re-be

what patience my Godfather shares
   with this petulant, melancholy, hard-headed, proud, self-absorbed son
      who only wants to run and hide, watch from some elevated cover
         like Zacchaeus
         hoping not to be seen
         but wanting so much to be touched
            by the Maker's hand

those beams and uprights, those boards tongued and grooved
took time
   effort
   thought
   conviction
   and much labor
to frame my Fortress ..

tear it down ?!!
a dreadful thought !
   'twas like stripping my own skin from my own frame ..

this was my safeplace
   from whence i surveyed all the wrong world
      and knew I was in the right
and the higher I built my walled Fortress
   the safer I felt
      inside
      all alone
         peering through my telescope for glimpse of 'God' 

but 'tis as the preacher preached ..
   God held my life on hold
   until such time as I came to claim it
      the life I should have had all along
      but instead took in its place the things of God
         about God
         from God
      thinking I was for God
      but missing God
         missing God!!
wondering all the while "why"
why !?!
..

I felt so lifeless
   lost
   empty
..

so some several years ago
   more than half my life spent building my edifice
i took a different toolset
   one with axe and sledge and saw
and, jaws set hard, set about tearing it down
   precious piece by precious piece
      .. My Precioussss
      de-Gollum-ing
angry, so so angry at Me for the squander of my life's best energy ..

with every blow, each cut
i sliced into myself
   took the lash
   blow after blow
      chastising the Me I was
breaking It down
watching my Fortress fall
   piece by precious piece
with me in regret..

it nearly ruined me
   i surely died a thousand deaths ..
but somehow in my dying
   i struggled
      fought
         teeth set hard
   lashing out at the facade i'd built
      and in so doing, unleashed a will
      to be remade
         reconstructed
         reborn ..

i was so dead from my dead, dread crying-out for God ..
   " where are you ?! "
   " where are you ?!! "
         became my cry ..
..

i still cry out to Godfather
   these dozen years in ..
i still struggle
i still israel
..
and i still want to hear
   Your voice
i still want to feel
   Your touch
i still want to smell
   Your aroma
i still want so much to see
   Your face
      Your smile
         to fall into Your gracious embrace
            and melt into You ..
..
but this time
You are my fortress
   and I'm good with that
..
i love you Jesus

Me

deny

i am
   not peter
   not james or john
   not judas

i am the nameless me
   who let Him wash my feet
   who      when they came for Him
      ran away with those feet
         afraid
         naked
            leaving my humanity behind
               my Humanity ..