distance ..

i am not near You ..

the psalmist asks ' why are You so far removed ?'
   but i am left with only me
      to call out ..
i don't think You've gone anywhere
i think i've fallen behind
   from Your shadow ..
now i barely see where You were a minute ago

`|`

why
   do i stumble so readily      ?
why
   do i 'relax' my vigil
   allow my zeal to chill       ?

why      ?

`|`

is there anything more winsome
   than the sight of You
   anything that thrills
      like following Your gaze into my eyes
      like the sound of Your feet making way
         through the grass we walk on
   anything that moves me
      like knowing the back leaning against mine in balance
         is the back that bore the bruising lash
            while we turned our backs and looked the other way      ?
..
how do 'you' ever get past that      ?

which universe could ever offer me such love
in the heart of an Elder Brother
   who once scattered planets and blew stars
      into this and that collective
         pulling and swinging each other in orbits lightyears beyond our imagination     ?
..
how do 'you' just let that slide
   like some thrilling scifi we saw last week      ?

`|`   

why does not every inhalation inspire my heart again towards unmatched zeal that bonds my soul to Yours in a fusion that no force in the universe could ever fissure      ?   ?

i should absolutely fear the distance of Your Presence
run to find You
   anxious
   unsettled
   disoriented
      whenever You are not within reach of my heart
         .. whenever my heart is not reaching for You
..

truly i am not able
   to walk this life
      without You
         with me ..

come
   walk with me .. .

abide ..

i'm thankful
   for You
astounded
   that You would dwell in me
..

i'm not sure i have the language for that
   (if i can't verbalize it   how real is it   to me   ?)
..

who are You
   that You would do such a thing   ?

how could the
   eternal
   self-existant
   Ground of all being
      who generates everything
be summarized in my poverty
   engaged to walk in these feet
   humiliated in the condition of this mind   ?
..
why   ?
..

who am i
   and she
   and he
   and they
   and we
      that You would consider
         such an impropriety      ?

what is human
   that You look in our direction
      and care
         enough
            to do such a thing
..
and then wash my feet

Easter reflect ..

          i know that i know..
..
that original Easter sunrise threw a shadow across the ground He walked on
   just as it had done for 30-odd years ..
i know He rose in that body in which He was there laid
   albeit changed somehow
      now imbued with immortality ..
..
it still bears re-mentioning
   calling it up to the surface of my mind ..
perhaps even though i know
   i tendtowantto believe that the person that ascended into the heavens 40 days later was
   somehow ethereal         spirit portraying body ..
and so it calls for a reinforcing of the solid truth that there, seated now next to God
as Right Hand,
   is the undeniable, recognizable body that hung from that dread tree, scars and all
   and that those feet will walk and those arms reach out to embrace this body 
       whenever it is we meet ..
          “ this same Jesus “ ..
..
it is a resurrected Son Of Man
   human in every respect
   gloried with the very same ‘glory’ He had with GodFather
   before the world was formed         and that by His own ‘hands’ ..
      before the first human breathed their first breath ..

and we shall be like Him
   and we shall recognize Him
       and ourselves in Him
          when we see Him as He is
   then we will know as we never really knew
that bears remembering


peace and joy to you
Christ is risen

pause ..

i just don't want to
   walk by
      or run by
   the cross
   in a mad rush
      towards sunday
   trying to bury
      friday
         before its time

a holy time
   holy space
..
shoes off
   bare feet
bared me
   naked
in the terrible suspense ..

no light
a cosmic pause
a still
   no thing moves
   no thing speaks
all of everything gasps

time rests its timeless tic


as this solitary human
   stretches his love
   wide across the universe he formed
   embracing it all
   resting it
   absorbing all the suffering pain cries
   disappointment futile hurt lostness
   alone ache bondage abuse groans
   confusion abandon
      in his own frail body
         broken
         poured out
         surrendered
..
      .     ...    ..    .   .
                    .  .      .        ..
in hope
   of that joy
      that lay ahead ..
sharing the glory again
having brought many many with him

lenting .. " yes "

i wonder at Jesus' ponderings as his mind went before him
   his imagination forming

and that blood
   must surely have raced through his excited heart
      chasing his thoughts ..
..

i wonder what You 2 spoke about in those last days ..

how did You manage to encourage him
   as he sat under the olive tree on the rise across the way
      the stars, the grass, the night watchers ..   ?

surely something in him remembered the days of old
   before he was born
   when you 2 lived and moved and had being
      together presenced   ..  .

surely as he grew into humanhood
   his heart recognized in Your daily presence
      a familiarity that stretched beyond his Earthdays ..
      Your Voice familiar somehow
         even if his mind couldn't reach out that far ..

   the comforting assurance of the Spirit's filling-full   fullfilling ..

   the resounding acknowledgment when You said
      "  this is my son beloved!
      IAM most pleased with him " ..

   the reassuring responses when he stretched himself out
      under the still-dark morning sky
   and spoke expectantly inYour direction
      asking
      or simply commenting on something
         that happened a few hours ago ..
   knowing Your heavenly-fatherly Voice
      would not at all tarry in reply ..
..

yes .. jerusalem was there
   up ahead
and the prospect of that dogged his shadow ..

but the day-shadows grew, and the night approached ..
things needed to be done while it was still day ..

the Light of the world
   set his mind as a flint
      as his mind turned towards jerusalem

yes .. .  .

i see you ..

for some time there's been this direction in me that pines for God to touch me
   i mean physically touch me
say something
   i mean audibly unmistakably call my name

perhaps you've been there .. or not

and to be fully disclosed, God has touched me
   God used someone else's hand, but it was God nonetheless
and God has spoken to me many times
   using the mouths and language of others ..
and i'm not downcrying those experiences at all
.. not at all

perhaps the most glaring illustration of my desire would be this
some dark night while i lie in bed, i feel someone sit on the bed .. and Jesus comes to be there with me, and we talk ..
i long for it ..
..

someone put it somewhat differently
that perhaps what we want isn't so much to see God
   as to be seen by God

i question myself regularly on this desire of mine, in full view of the blatant faithlessness it embodies, to see God feel God hear God
as if my entanglement with this God of mine is somehow diminished without it
and, more often than not, proceed to upbraid myself for my 'little faith' (Jesus)

maybe the wiseman had a point ..
perhaps it's not so much a faithless cry as it is a longing to know that i am seen
by God
and by my family
my friend
my workmates, the neighbour, the dog ..
..

and i thought of Avatar, the movie, and the striking greeting that latched onto my soul when i heard it - " i see you "
what a wonderful way to embrace someone in words

selah

and then too i heard Russell Brand speaking his own brand of wisdom in the face of addiction (in whatever form) saying (basically) that the root of addictive behaviour stems from loneliness and a need to be in active, functioning relations where we can be utterly honest ..

and then there's people disguised as addicts in AA and Celebrate Recovery and other such 12-step recovery programs reaching out for those relationships

..

i wonder
if perhaps my longing for God's touch never was a test of my faith in God
but more a longing to know
   that i am seen
that God sees me
God knows me
God wants me
.. God knows my name

..

perhaps my issue was .. i know God sees me
but i always imagined that seeing as a policing
like Big Brother's ubiquitous utterly unwanted presence
   and i didn't want to be seen by that god

there's a long distance between the god in the control room
and the one that comes to sit on my bed to talk
or that gently lays a hand on my shoulder while i ask for a touch
.. i want to be seen by that God

..

i hope this think helps me to realize that people need to be seen
   by me

i need to see people
not just walk by
brush past
nod
mutter a " how ya doing? "

God .. open my eyes and my ears
to see you and to hear your voice in the people i meet
and to recognize them as living images of You
   to see them

..

" i see you "

life light and dead leaves ..

we walk nonchalantly on the colors
like so much dead leaves
when only a few days gone we looked up in awe of the glory of the falling shades
of reds yellows oranges
..
how quickly our view changes
..
one day we're hopeful
full of anticipation for the coming good
our eyes full of reflected
reds yellows oranges
the next we're walking all over our hope
like so much dead leaves
eyes down
disparaging life itself ..
..               
O Word of God
in whom is life
life that lights us all
may we remember our light
that shines in our dark places ..
that darkness cannot put it out ..
may we recognize the light in us
see the light in the tunnel
head towards the light ..

light attracts light