hello goodbye ..

the air is heavy in this place ..

it feels like i'm moving in water
   even to walk an effort
   to think even ..
..

we showed up
   because they will show up
   because You show up
   because we show up
      and wherever 2 or 3 get together
      with You in mind
         there You are
so we showed up ..

but this heaviness
is mashing my lungs
   hard to breathe ..
even my eyelids are resisting belief
   fighting this 'reality'

                  what is reality   ?      ..

You are reality ..

..
" remember me " You said
      as You broke Your body
      poured out Your bloody soul
         for us all ..

reality

..

turn the page


a faltering fumbling step
   or 2
then 3      more ..

a mumbled ' allelujah ' ..

then words take hold
the Spirit finds purchase
   in broken hearts
      just where the cracks show ..

Hope raises her head
   to look
   to see the 1 or 2 raised hands
   to watch as others join in          more allelujahs
      stronger now
      louder

and Spirit rises up
   swims through the heavy waters
   stirring up foamy surf
   shaking loose unbelief
calling Light into this present darkness
..

" this is my confidence
You've never failed me yet
great is You faithfulness
Your promise still stands "

we will trust You

         i will trust You

..

turn the page


and Heaven's shore welcomes the Newcomer
walking the water home on tippytoes
twirling
singing

free at last

goodbye hello
hello goodbye

see you, friend

..

                          i will trust You

my delusion ..

( .. this harks to the personal me, but thought i'd share the think of it
just in case something bites you ..
it's my blog after all 😊)

`|`

somehow i figured i had You fairly well figured, within the boundaries of what we've been told in scripture and the expressed ideologies of the experts ..

how arrogant of me
   and them

i naively thought You to be definable, describable, explainable ..
packageable and deliverable
..

even though my intelligence quotient follows rather than leads, as a younger me i struggled through scary theological tomes, my rationale being this: even if i can't understand most of this, and will remember far less, i will plod on, power through, and some of the think will trickle down into my soul to benefit me somehow, and too to be retrieved at some future needed occasion, miraculously, i suppose ..
..

i live within a similar framework now
   although it's wildly different in its similarity ..
although i 'know' what i believe, i can't easily explain it, or why
i can provide the general groundwork, but supporting it with detailed analyses and logical progression (the apologist's delight) is beyond me ..
i've arrived at a vista point where the view is absorbing and i blissfully drown in it, but to ask me to describe what i'm seeing is painfully obscure to my lips ..
i cannot translate my heart into words
   .. and i am quite at peace with that

but i'm changed ..
my life is radically pointed in a direction that has no map
   there are no breadcrumbs craftily dropped along the way
   no secreted drawings
   no mysterious riddles ..
there's only this pulling on my soul
   " let's go this way "
and i follow ..
i follow this voice i recognize somehow
   familiar in it's tone and timbre
   comforting
   trustworthy
      a voice that bears a visage that, having not seen, i know i would admit

i am a changed person because of this voiced visage
and it thrills me to the bone

`|`

i'm not a theologian
   although i sure wanted to be
i'm not a teacher
   although i sure wanted to be
or a preacher ..

perhaps all that reading and underlining and cross-referencing hasn't produced much currency in terms of convincing people by argument and exposition, but i'm thankful that it lies there beneath, underground, somehow flowing together to produce in me a recognizable 'theology' that produces fruit
..

as to You
the one thing i have found in all my scrambling to master the christian religion is that You are far far from definition, and the closest i can get is Your humanized form in the person of Jesus, the definitive Expression in our language and experience ..
thanks for that

but to know You, God, is tantamount to arrogance, and a presumption that only fools allow
   You overturn our rationale
   outrun our understanding
   outshine our imagination
..

" where were you ?"
to Job  ..
blowing his ancient mindset by pointing to things outside our comprehension, impossible to fathom, to conceive even ..
and i know that even though i stand thousands of years downwind of that good man, it bears nothing on knowing You, for You are beyond knowledge
You cannot be found out intellectually ..

You are known in relationship
in being
in I Am
the God who is
   there
   here
      present
the God of indestructible life
   who continues forever

Your spirit witnesses with our spirit that i am Yours
and the abrupt recognition of that tears off all the glamour and posing
   leaving me utterly unmasked      amazed and dumbfounded
      unable to speak
         for i am a person of unclean lips      and the sheer sight of You
            sends me to the Ground ..
               there i can only hope for a burning coal to touch my mouth ..

how could i speak into such space      ?

      i lay my hand over my mouth .. .

         i have no language for You

distance ..

i am not near You ..

the psalmist asks ' why are You so far removed ?'
   but i am left with only me
      to call out ..
i don't think You've gone anywhere
i think i've fallen behind
   from Your shadow ..
now i barely see where You were a minute ago

`|`

why
   do i stumble so readily      ?
why
   do i 'relax' my vigil
   allow my zeal to chill       ?

why      ?

`|`

is there anything more winsome
   than the sight of You
   anything that thrills
      like following Your gaze into my eyes
      like the sound of Your feet making way
         through the grass we walk on
   anything that moves me
      like knowing the back leaning against mine in balance
         is the back that bore the bruising lash
            while we turned our backs and looked the other way      ?
..
how do 'you' ever get past that      ?

which universe could ever offer me such love
in the heart of an Elder Brother
   who once scattered planets and blew stars
      into this and that collective
         pulling and swinging each other in orbits lightyears beyond our imagination     ?
..
how do 'you' just let that slide
   like some thrilling scifi we saw last week      ?

`|`   

why does not every inhalation inspire my heart again towards unmatched zeal that bonds my soul to Yours in a fusion that no force in the universe could ever fissure      ?   ?

i should absolutely fear the distance of Your Presence
run to find You
   anxious
   unsettled
   disoriented
      whenever You are not within reach of my heart
         .. whenever my heart is not reaching for You
..

truly i am not able
   to walk this life
      without You
         with me ..

come
   walk with me .. .

abide ..

i'm thankful
   for You
astounded
   that You would dwell in me
..

i'm not sure i have the language for that
   (if i can't verbalize it   how real is it   to me   ?)
..

who are You
   that You would do such a thing   ?

how could the
   eternal
   self-existant
   Ground of all being
      who generates everything
be summarized in my poverty
   engaged to walk in these feet
   humiliated in the condition of this mind   ?
..
why   ?
..

who am i
   and she
   and he
   and they
   and we
      that You would consider
         such an impropriety      ?

what is human
   that You look in our direction
      and care
         enough
            to do such a thing
..
and then wash my feet

Easter reflect ..

          i know that i know..
..
that original Easter sunrise threw a shadow across the ground He walked on
   just as it had done for 30-odd years ..
i know He rose in that body in which He was there laid
   albeit changed somehow
      now imbued with immortality ..
..
it still bears re-mentioning
   calling it up to the surface of my mind ..
perhaps even though i know
   i tendtowantto believe that the person that ascended into the heavens 40 days later was
   somehow ethereal         spirit portraying body ..
and so it calls for a reinforcing of the solid truth that there, seated now next to God
as Right Hand,
   is the undeniable, recognizable body that hung from that dread tree, scars and all
   and that those feet will walk and those arms reach out to embrace this body 
       whenever it is we meet ..
          “ this same Jesus “ ..
..
it is a resurrected Son Of Man
   human in every respect
   gloried with the very same ‘glory’ He had with GodFather
   before the world was formed         and that by His own ‘hands’ ..
      before the first human breathed their first breath ..

and we shall be like Him
   and we shall recognize Him
       and ourselves in Him
          when we see Him as He is
   then we will know as we never really knew
that bears remembering


peace and joy to you
Christ is risen

pause ..

i just don't want to
   walk by
      or run by
   the cross
   in a mad rush
      towards sunday
   trying to bury
      friday
         before its time

a holy time
   holy space
..
shoes off
   bare feet
bared me
   naked
in the terrible suspense ..

no light
a cosmic pause
a still
   no thing moves
   no thing speaks
all of everything gasps

time rests its timeless tic


as this solitary human
   stretches his love
   wide across the universe he formed
   embracing it all
   resting it
   absorbing all the suffering pain cries
   disappointment futile hurt lostness
   alone ache bondage abuse groans
   confusion abandon
      in his own frail body
         broken
         poured out
         surrendered
..
      .     ...    ..    .   .
                    .  .      .        ..
in hope
   of that joy
      that lay ahead ..
sharing the glory again
having brought many many with him

lenting .. " yes "

i wonder at Jesus' ponderings as his mind went before him
   his imagination forming

and that blood
   must surely have raced through his excited heart
      chasing his thoughts ..
..

i wonder what You 2 spoke about in those last days ..

how did You manage to encourage him
   as he sat under the olive tree on the rise across the way
      the stars, the grass, the night watchers ..   ?

surely something in him remembered the days of old
   before he was born
   when you 2 lived and moved and had being
      together presenced   ..  .

surely as he grew into humanhood
   his heart recognized in Your daily presence
      a familiarity that stretched beyond his Earthdays ..
      Your Voice familiar somehow
         even if his mind couldn't reach out that far ..

   the comforting assurance of the Spirit's filling-full   fullfilling ..

   the resounding acknowledgment when You said
      "  this is my son beloved!
      IAM most pleased with him " ..

   the reassuring responses when he stretched himself out
      under the still-dark morning sky
   and spoke expectantly inYour direction
      asking
      or simply commenting on something
         that happened a few hours ago ..
   knowing Your heavenly-fatherly Voice
      would not at all tarry in reply ..
..

yes .. jerusalem was there
   up ahead
and the prospect of that dogged his shadow ..

but the day-shadows grew, and the night approached ..
things needed to be done while it was still day ..

the Light of the world
   set his mind as a flint
      as his mind turned towards jerusalem

yes .. .  .