this morning i wrote in my journal - which is absolutely private, as in between me and my God .. however, as the day progressed i recognized God in it all, and thought i would share the shareable parts ..
maybe you will find something there for you
please be advised, like they do in the movies - 'language'
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the blog ..
" i live in a bullshit world of bullshitting people, of personal agendas and selfish motivations, where smallminded people care for naught but their own, and twist the lives of those within their influence to feed their sense of self and achievement ..
this could rightly be called manipulation = abuse
mine is to find a clear path such that i don't end up with that warm mess between my toes ..
today, Lord master, please open my mind to the good and to life and to sunshine and to colour .. and to somehow embrace the frustration .. "
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then i went to be with church
the message today was like .. for me, mine, i did it, I am it ..
it's sooooooo my blogmind kindathing
the preacherman spoke on our false self, the unreal us that we create to impress people .. our pretense and posturing to image who i'm not to get people to like me .. so that people never really get to know the real me that i am
and the people in my influence lose out, because they never get to meet the me i was designed to be ..
and what we end up doing is manipulating people with our smallminded concept of reality and some false concept of who i need to be to win the approval of people, which i apparently need to fuel my false identity ..
it's all a twisted confusing web of lies and fractionated lies and truths and fractionated truth ..
1/4's and 1/2's with decimal points ..
and lots and lots of zeros
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and then i thought ..
perhaps i'm part of the bullshit ..
i am smallminded ..
i am manipulative ..
i twist the lives of others to suit me
and my sense of wellbeing is watered by how well i do that, how many likes i get on my FB page or blog
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when i flip back a couple pages in my journal i read of a struggle i'm having with my self over this dualistic mindset of mine - being bothered by things that bother me, and unable to deal with it ..
it's been on for far too long ..
it repeatedly rises to the surface, and i can look at it, chase it away, pray about it, and 3 minutes later i'm back in that smallmindedness - bothered, critiquing, not understanding 'their' smallmindedness and allowing that to upset my teacup, spilling stuff all over the laced tablecloth ..
again and again and ..
i have to stop letting people influence my mindset ..
find my identity and value and wellbeing (shalom) solely in Jesus ..
and i have to love those people that frustrate me ..
it is what it is .. let it be, and move on
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else .. what's this life for anyway ? ..
i mean, am i following Jesus or what ..
and if i am, then this internal struggle with smallmindedness and smallminded people simply will not cut it ..
simple
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i just though that maybe when you read this and see God move from my journals over the last few days, to my journal this morning, to the message for the church ..
well, it's kinda like i get this warm feeling inside ..
'cause you know what ?God's working on me
and i know he is
i can see it
feel it
and i like it
peace to you
So are you saying, just as in the picture posted along with this page, you are seeing yourself turning to mush in your Creator's hands? Well it's about time~ d
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Great revelation.....Did Jesus get pre-occupied with the smallmindedness of people? If you stay wrapped up in the ways of others, your focus is lost. Get over it and move on and do as He did; see what you can do for someone else in your path each day in which the opportunity arises. Otherwise, you will become bitter, and their issues are not your concern anyway. They are His.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I speak from experience. I have been surrounded with manipulative people much of my life, and I found that my dwelling on it made me bitter. Something that fueled that bitterness was having a friend who wanted to talk about/rehash the same old same old ad nauseam. My advice is as much as possible do not dwell on it with people. That makes two disgruntled people. It is best to hash it out with your journal. I have been on the same journey of trying not to judge others and pointing their faults when I have enough of my own. I found that I have to retrain my mind......I am better but not cured.
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