rumi-nating and shooting my self ..

rohr in his meditation today introduced rumi, whom I know a bit of, and quotes one of his poems thus ..

one who can quit seeing himself ~
I look for one simple and open enough to see the Friend, not an intelligence
weighing several perspectives. i want an empty shell to hold this pearl not
a stone who pretends to have secret center, when the surface is all through.
I want one who can quit seeing himself, fill with God and, instead of being
irritated by interruption and daily resentments, feel those as kindnesses ..

end quote

`|`

the enigma of loving my enemy ..
the enemy is
me

Jesus hit the road hard when he said to love my enemy ..
initially I saw that as an opponent in war, then an antagonist in a fight, then a coworker who disliked me intensely or someone who challenged my religious views, then an irritating antagonistic family member, then a roommate ..
and all along I never recognised the real enemy was me

some years ago I led a Bible study in which I 'wisely' attempted to teach the principle of the small self
my tool was a drawing ..
the point of the drawing was, the bigger the target the easier it is to hit it
if I'm too large people can easily strike, or, the smaller I am the less of a target ..
that really is a lopsided way of pointing out the too-large 'I', for it isn't the problem of the shooters, it's the issue of the target .. the shooters matter not
mine is to take to heart the words of John the Baptizer .. "he must increase and I must decrease", or as rumi put it, this far-too-often feeling of assault, of 'anti' aura directed at me, of conflict thick and swampy, is me ..
it is 'I' struggling .. for what ? ..
the absence of conflict ?
the acceptance of the other ? .. rather the acceptance of me by the other
my desire to be liked, respected ? ..

methinks I'm far too important to me, much too large in my own estimation
the mystic, non-dual (rohr) mindset seeks to simply be, to allow the assault or confrontation, to not be irritated or resentful, but in the crazy unlikely words of Rumi feel those as kindnesses ..

that is totally crazy
impossible
as impossible as the words of that famous rabboni - " love your enemy ", because your enemy is you

And the only viable way to do that is to 'lower' my self to their level, cut my own throat instead of theirs ..

then embrace the bloodied me