been there/done that ..

here's a prickly thought ..

if we're going to accept the biblical accounting of both the comprehensive attack on Jesus
   and his unviolated purity in response to that attack
then we're going to have to face the fundamental challenge to our minds
   of the unlikelihood of the truth of it
   from a human standpoint ..
      and he was human


say that again
   to believe that Jesus was 'tempted in all points as we are'
   while free from submission to any temptation
      is a mind warp for us in our fallenness ..

         but it is a necessary faithhold ..
   we need it
because the source of our comfort in the attacks we ourselves face is the robust understanding that this Son of Humanity (Son of Man) understands our specific plight
   because he himself was confronted in every way that we are confronted
      and successfully endured         
                                                            ( read Hebrews 4:14,15 )
..

let that soak in

selah ~


there is great comfort in that
and hope
and energy ..

our Liberator is not an advisor
he is our Forerunner
he has gone the distance
   a far greater distance than we will ever understand or experience

so then
   we can trust this Jesus
      intimately
to walk with us in understanding through our stuff

`|`

postscript :-

the thing that makes Christianity so different
   is the present caring intimacy of Jesus in our human experience

rocks and bones

rocks hurt

they break bones                         shatter my humanity

..

why cast them at me            ?

did you lose your mirror      ?     did you lose your humanity   ?      

erupt ..

how do i put words to it      ?
this pain
this anguish
this swelling heat inside me that wants to burn a hole in my life
this fire i cannot contain
   is breaking out
      and i want to let it

i want to let it
   burn a hole in my life

Jesus did ..
he gave his life to the fire
   that flew around him
   like some Wind
      unstilled
      vibrant
      intentioned
      powered

i don't know how to
i just want to
and i am
   in passion

normal .. not . .. .

hurt people
broken people
damaged people
bleeding people

trying to appear normal
to fit in
to not be cast out

sometimes the damage floats to the surface
   and we bleed out
      the blood saturates
         people see
                  they reach for gloves and mops

anger rises
   my head burns       red
      at me

i let them see !
   now i'm marked
   now i'm in not
   now i'm out

         have to go
                           start all over
                                                             again


maybe this time
i can keep the cover on
     staunch the flow

         look normal
                 accepted
                                          in

at the name 'Jesus' ..

why the name Jesus   ?

" .. at the name 'Jesus'
every knee will take the knee
and every tongue will agree
   in declaring
      this Jesus is Lord
and GodFather will get the glory "

the same GodFather that graced to him the name that is beyond every name that is named
that by that name every other name may be graced favorably

he who is the I Am Who I Am
took a name in Jesus
   to become familiar to us
      to remind us
that by that name
   every other name may be included in the grace extended to every
      and none be left out
         or left behind

for the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all

so then let this mind be yours
   the mind of Christ Jesus
who, being God
   emptied himself
      and became human
   and further humbled himself in submission
      even to death
         a death-cross death

this mind

the Christ mind
   that was named in Jesus

that mind

                            may it be mine

ebb and flow

the ebb and flow of me in my breath-y being
call to mind the stilled sea
   where you walked ardently
      where just a minute ago she raged
         blustering
            looking to unfoot you
..
same waters
now calmed
   bearing your footprints along
..

oh come !                  walk here
                   
leave your footprints
                                  in the breath of me

look out in

every so often
i part the curtains to look out at my world
   to see where I am

or stick my tongue out to taste the snowdrops

or puff through the cracked window to watch my breath vaporize in the breeze
..

there ..           
                       see ?
i am
             in all my introversion

my politics ..

God blesses those whose spirit holds out a beggarly hand
   the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such folk

God blesses those who can lament and mourn
   they will find a Comforter

God blesses those who are gentle in power
   they will have this earth for an inheritance

God blesses those who have an intense desire for justice and equity
   their craving will be satisfied

God blesses those who show compassion
   compassion will be shown to them

God blesses those with hearts of integrity
   they will recognize God wherever

God blesses those who work for peace
   they will be identified as children of God

God blesses those who are hounded for their pursuit of justice
   the kingdom of Heaven belongs to them

this place .. sometimes

there’s this place i go
   sometimes ..

you won’t find it on your gps
and no one can take you there
   not even me

~

fish of every colour
birds of every stripe and wing
flowers that snatch at my breath
   linger in the scenses
me lounging by the waterway
   grass reaching for my knees

~

this place i go
   sometimes

~

it rains sometimes
but only when it’s time
   for a nap
   or time to read
       or not ..
but mostly it suns

~

the voices remind me
   of something .. ..
       something ..

but they’re not human voices
   not human language
humans live somewhere else
   somewhere else
      not here ..

the language of chatter
   and grunt
   chirp
   of bellows and baaaahs
   a snort
   a giggle
   a very long moo

~

who knew   ?
   who knew   ?
..

~

i cover my eyes
lying on my back
staring through the hat
   at the very blue blue
remembering
   something ..
.. something

~

it’s all a bit fuzzy around the edges
   but it’s a warm inviting fuzzy
a familiar something
   i remember ..
      something i remember
         something warm
         friendly
         familiar
         voice
      ..
      human
         human voice      ?
..
i remember ..
   something
..

~

this place i go
   sometimes
..
i can’t take you there
   sometimes ..
..
i remember

hello goodbye ..

the air is heavy in this place ..

it feels like i'm moving in water
   even to walk an effort
   to think even ..
..

we showed up
   because they will show up
   because You show up
   because we show up
      and wherever 2 or 3 get together
      with You in mind
         there You are
so we showed up ..

but this heaviness
is mashing my lungs
   hard to breathe ..
even my eyelids are resisting belief
   fighting this 'reality'

                  what is reality   ?      ..

You are reality ..

..
" remember me " You said
      as You broke Your body
      poured out Your bloody soul
         for us all ..

reality

..

turn the page


a faltering fumbling step
   or 2
then 3      more ..

a mumbled ' allelujah ' ..

then words take hold
the Spirit finds purchase
   in broken hearts
      just where the cracks show ..

Hope raises her head
   to look
   to see the 1 or 2 raised hands
   to watch as others join in          more allelujahs
      stronger now
      louder

and Spirit rises up
   swims through the heavy waters
   stirring up foamy surf
   shaking loose unbelief
calling Light into this present darkness
..

" this is my confidence
You've never failed me yet
great is You faithfulness
Your promise still stands "

we will trust You

         i will trust You

..

turn the page


and Heaven's shore welcomes the Newcomer
walking the water home on tippytoes
twirling
singing

free at last

goodbye hello
hello goodbye

see you, friend

..

                          i will trust You

my delusion ..

( .. this harks to the personal me, but thought i'd share the think of it
just in case something bites you ..
it's my blog after all 😊)

`|`

somehow i figured i had You fairly well figured, within the boundaries of what we've been told in scripture and the expressed ideologies of the experts ..

how arrogant of me
   and them

i naively thought You to be definable, describable, explainable ..
packageable and deliverable
..

even though my intelligence quotient follows rather than leads, as a younger me i struggled through scary theological tomes, my rationale being this: even if i can't understand most of this, and will remember far less, i will plod on, power through, and some of the think will trickle down into my soul to benefit me somehow, and too to be retrieved at some future needed occasion, miraculously, i suppose ..
..

i live within a similar framework now
   although it's wildly different in its similarity ..
although i 'know' what i believe, i can't easily explain it, or why
i can provide the general groundwork, but supporting it with detailed analyses and logical progression (the apologist's delight) is beyond me ..
i've arrived at a vista point where the view is absorbing and i blissfully drown in it, but to ask me to describe what i'm seeing is painfully obscure to my lips ..
i cannot translate my heart into words
   .. and i am quite at peace with that

but i'm changed ..
my life is radically pointed in a direction that has no map
   there are no breadcrumbs craftily dropped along the way
   no secreted drawings
   no mysterious riddles ..
there's only this pulling on my soul
   " let's go this way "
and i follow ..
i follow this voice i recognize somehow
   familiar in it's tone and timbre
   comforting
   trustworthy
      a voice that bears a visage that, having not seen, i know i would admit

i am a changed person because of this voiced visage
and it thrills me to the bone

`|`

i'm not a theologian
   although i sure wanted to be
i'm not a teacher
   although i sure wanted to be
or a preacher ..

perhaps all that reading and underlining and cross-referencing hasn't produced much currency in terms of convincing people by argument and exposition, but i'm thankful that it lies there beneath, underground, somehow flowing together to produce in me a recognizable 'theology' that produces fruit
..

as to You
the one thing i have found in all my scrambling to master the christian religion is that You are far far from definition, and the closest i can get is Your humanized form in the person of Jesus, the definitive Expression in our language and experience ..
thanks for that

but to know You, God, is tantamount to arrogance, and a presumption that only fools allow
   You overturn our rationale
   outrun our understanding
   outshine our imagination
..

" where were you ?"
to Job  ..
blowing his ancient mindset by pointing to things outside our comprehension, impossible to fathom, to conceive even ..
and i know that even though i stand thousands of years downwind of that good man, it bears nothing on knowing You, for You are beyond knowledge
You cannot be found out intellectually ..

You are known in relationship
in being
in I Am
the God who is
   there
   here
      present
the God of indestructible life
   who continues forever

Your spirit witnesses with our spirit that i am Yours
and the abrupt recognition of that tears off all the glamour and posing
   leaving me utterly unmasked      amazed and dumbfounded
      unable to speak
         for i am a person of unclean lips      and the sheer sight of You
            sends me to the Ground ..
               there i can only hope for a burning coal to touch my mouth ..

how could i speak into such space      ?

      i lay my hand over my mouth .. .

         i have no language for You

distance ..

i am not near You ..

the psalmist asks ' why are You so far removed ?'
   but i am left with only me
      to call out ..
i don't think You've gone anywhere
i think i've fallen behind
   from Your shadow ..
now i barely see where You were a minute ago

`|`

why
   do i stumble so readily      ?
why
   do i 'relax' my vigil
   allow my zeal to chill       ?

why      ?

`|`

is there anything more winsome
   than the sight of You
   anything that thrills
      like following Your gaze into my eyes
      like the sound of Your feet making way
         through the grass we walk on
   anything that moves me
      like knowing the back leaning against mine in balance
         is the back that bore the bruising lash
            while we turned our backs and looked the other way      ?
..
how do 'you' ever get past that      ?

which universe could ever offer me such love
in the heart of an Elder Brother
   who once scattered planets and blew stars
      into this and that collective
         pulling and swinging each other in orbits lightyears beyond our imagination     ?
..
how do 'you' just let that slide
   like some thrilling scifi we saw last week      ?

`|`   

why does not every inhalation inspire my heart again towards unmatched zeal that bonds my soul to Yours in a fusion that no force in the universe could ever fissure      ?   ?

i should absolutely fear the distance of Your Presence
run to find You
   anxious
   unsettled
   disoriented
      whenever You are not within reach of my heart
         .. whenever my heart is not reaching for You
..

truly i am not able
   to walk this life
      without You
         with me ..

come
   walk with me .. .

abide ..

i'm thankful
   for You
astounded
   that You would dwell in me
..

i'm not sure i have the language for that
   (if i can't verbalize it   how real is it   to me   ?)
..

who are You
   that You would do such a thing   ?

how could the
   eternal
   self-existant
   Ground of all being
      who generates everything
be summarized in my poverty
   engaged to walk in these feet
   humiliated in the condition of this mind   ?
..
why   ?
..

who am i
   and she
   and he
   and they
   and we
      that You would consider
         such an impropriety      ?

what is human
   that You look in our direction
      and care
         enough
            to do such a thing
..
and then wash my feet

Easter reflect ..

          i know that i know..
..
that original Easter sunrise threw a shadow across the ground He walked on
   just as it had done for 30-odd years ..
i know He rose in that body in which He was there laid
   albeit changed somehow
      now imbued with immortality ..
..
it still bears re-mentioning
   calling it up to the surface of my mind ..
perhaps even though i know
   i tendtowantto believe that the person that ascended into the heavens 40 days later was
   somehow ethereal         spirit portraying body ..
and so it calls for a reinforcing of the solid truth that there, seated now next to God
as Right Hand,
   is the undeniable, recognizable body that hung from that dread tree, scars and all
   and that those feet will walk and those arms reach out to embrace this body 
       whenever it is we meet ..
          “ this same Jesus “ ..
..
it is a resurrected Son Of Man
   human in every respect
   gloried with the very same ‘glory’ He had with GodFather
   before the world was formed         and that by His own ‘hands’ ..
      before the first human breathed their first breath ..

and we shall be like Him
   and we shall recognize Him
       and ourselves in Him
          when we see Him as He is
   then we will know as we never really knew
that bears remembering


peace and joy to you
Christ is risen

pause ..

i just don't want to
   walk by
      or run by
   the cross
   in a mad rush
      towards sunday
   trying to bury
      friday
         before its time

a holy time
   holy space
..
shoes off
   bare feet
bared me
   naked
in the terrible suspense ..

no light
a cosmic pause
a still
   no thing moves
   no thing speaks
all of everything gasps

time rests its timeless tic


as this solitary human
   stretches his love
   wide across the universe he formed
   embracing it all
   resting it
   absorbing all the suffering pain cries
   disappointment futile hurt lostness
   alone ache bondage abuse groans
   confusion abandon
      in his own frail body
         broken
         poured out
         surrendered
..
      .     ...    ..    .   .
                    .  .      .        ..
in hope
   of that joy
      that lay ahead ..
sharing the glory again
having brought many many with him

lenting .. " yes "

i wonder at Jesus' ponderings as his mind went before him
   his imagination forming

and that blood
   must surely have raced through his excited heart
      chasing his thoughts ..
..

i wonder what You 2 spoke about in those last days ..

how did You manage to encourage him
   as he sat under the olive tree on the rise across the way
      the stars, the grass, the night watchers ..   ?

surely something in him remembered the days of old
   before he was born
   when you 2 lived and moved and had being
      together presenced   ..  .

surely as he grew into humanhood
   his heart recognized in Your daily presence
      a familiarity that stretched beyond his Earthdays ..
      Your Voice familiar somehow
         even if his mind couldn't reach out that far ..

   the comforting assurance of the Spirit's filling-full   fullfilling ..

   the resounding acknowledgment when You said
      "  this is my son beloved!
      IAM most pleased with him " ..

   the reassuring responses when he stretched himself out
      under the still-dark morning sky
   and spoke expectantly inYour direction
      asking
      or simply commenting on something
         that happened a few hours ago ..
   knowing Your heavenly-fatherly Voice
      would not at all tarry in reply ..
..

yes .. jerusalem was there
   up ahead
and the prospect of that dogged his shadow ..

but the day-shadows grew, and the night approached ..
things needed to be done while it was still day ..

the Light of the world
   set his mind as a flint
      as his mind turned towards jerusalem

yes .. .  .