but maybe there's something here for you
too ..
`|`
life got you/me in a stronghold
choking
spluttering
grasping for air
fallen life
broken life
infected life
unfair life
addicted life
..
disappointing life
depressing life
ruined life
broke $ life
..
lonely life
divorced life
childless life
parentless life
friendless life
`|`
choking in a deep and dark hole
all by my/your self
the stink
shriveling rotting flesh
breathing the aroma of death
blind to all but the dark
voiceless
barely a groan utters
low moan from the bellypit
pained in every joint
at every turn
by every thought of useless wasted life
good-for-nothing
crying-out for oblivion
nothingness
.. just goneness
there
is
no
hope
`|`
what good am i/you
who cares
where is God now
who is god
why is god
for God is not here
with me/you
i/you am in a very dark place
forgotten
abandoned
forever lost
i/you will die in this stinkhole
this dark wet nasty grave
alone
forgotten
abandoned
and
noone cares ..
`|`
my/your elbow rubs against a groove
familiar forgotten depression
in the wall of my blackhole
..
lifeless fingers trace over the muddy place
aching to remember the cut
why is it there
why did i trace it there
over and over
for a lifetime
depression deepening each time
in the mudwall
in my mind
..
the track familiarizes itself with my soul
tears trace their own track in my mudface
fingers moving this way, then that
recognizing the memory
embracing the form
ever so painfully slow
tears open the dark confines of my confines
as my body weakly takes-on the teary rush
heaving sorrow in subdued wail
soul flowing
out
dripping wet into the mudded mud
bony finger reaches again to trace the form
that once gave me life
kept me in the depression
guarded me in life-malady
buoyed me in the Flood
warmed me in wintercold
lighted my Dark
..
`|`
o blessed cross ..
oxymoronic place of Godlove
shameful place of my embrace
naked moment of lifetruth
there hung my friend
my friend
my real Friend
friend in fallen broken infected unjust addicted life
friend in disappointed depressing failed ruined broken life
friend in lonely divorced childless parentless friendless life
friend of friends
healer of me
light to my dark
smile in my dread
embrace of my exclusion
..
why
o why did i let you go
Friend
`|`
can you hear me
do you see me now
in my deepdark hole
mudded cold wet hole
..
how could i let you go
.. You
`|`
i have fallen into my hole
hole i dug
inch by bloody inch
..
i am stranded here
forgotten
abandoned
`|`
are You there
can You hear
me
now
do You see
me
now
..
i am so lost
so dark
so dread
mudded
dead
..
`|`
.. .
dreams
dark dreams
cold waters
lonely drown
choking
spluttering
grasping for air..
falling
falling
..
dark
wet
cold
alone ..
..
.. the form !
o the Form of You
are You there ..
..
`|`
then i said to my self
" i will arise from this death
i will go to my Friend and say to Him
' i have sinned
i am no longer worthy to be called your friend ..
treat me as one of your servants .. '
and i arose
i arose
i touched the Crossform once more
and reached
up
as i reached
i felt a familiar longlost warm connect
skin !
a strong arm grasped my feeble hand outstretched
pulling me
up
out
out of my mudpit
in exhilarating breath lifted as i went
up
foot by bloody foot
out of my hole
into blindlight
face-to-face with Form
silhouetted in my bindness
embracing me !
warm ! embrace
tears
of mine
gushing fountain of life
other tears
tears of this Other
gushing all over me
baptizing my mudfilth
i know the scent
aroma of Life
smell of Friend
i know healing
and warmth
again
soullit recognition
remembrance reborn
life !
my Friend ! ..
You are here ! ..
You heard me !
You saw me !
..
and i said " i have sinned .. i am no longer worthy .. "
! interrupt ! -
" bring that white robe !
prepare the table !
for this my friend was dead and is here, alive again
he was lost, and is found ! "
`|`
o blessed Friend
blessed cross
blessed Life .. how could i ever have let You go ..
..
.
You were there
with me
in the hole
all along
..
.
if only i had reached out sooner
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