chrysalis ..

perhaps one day
   maybe soon
i'll eat my way out of this chrysalis
.. transformed
embeautied in the Image

..

most of my life has been eating, consuming
trying to fill me
   almost instinctively ..
the soul of me famished
adventuresome
wanting some thing i didn't have
.. dreaming

..

enamored with mountains and rivers and forests and creatures and horses and guns and indians and trekking and discovery ..
all the while pining for some thing i didn't have

building my chrysalis
hard, thick-walled hibernatory
protecting me from the outworld
sealing me in ..
my personal lifechamber
   insulating
   shielding
   fortressing ..
      hiding


there i lived
blacked-out
blocking-out the assaults, the confrontations, the aggressions, the pressures to fit-in, the requirements to succeed, the relentless drag into religion - the forced fit into a tiny hole where the 'righteous' live and move and be all by their cliquish self ..
   culted

that culting formed a tall and ominous standard, smooth as glass with no footholds, no edges to grip, no secure lines .. nothing to admit my climb
i barely moved upward, fell back many times ..
scaling the damned edifice was near impossible

the only way up in the eyes of the glaring was makebelieve, a twisted conviction of the mind, a pretention that dressed my soul to look like, talk like, think like the other climbers, looking for acceptance, fit, noble otherworldly denial, Babel in my own time
   while Divine looks on thinking " confound it! another Tower to Heaven .. "
..
i could never ever make that CooCooHeaven
so cocoon ..

..

in my chrysalis i hide
   waiting for the water to break
   the Spirit to come gushing out
   hot washing all over
      baptizing my lostness
      shattering the glass
      breaking hardness
      my secure lines cut
falling
falling
drawing-in GodBreath
..

wings gradually unfurl
as hot baptismal Breath drips, drip
sweet nectar


.. first one wing
brilliant colors unfurl - jasper and sapphire and agate and emerald and onyx and carnelian and beryl and topaz and chrysoprase and jacinth and amethyst ..
stretch
reach
out
exciting
aching from the cramp
cramped from my safetycoon ..
loose now

now .. for the other ..

then
then the let-go
the final loose
fall
flip
spread
glide
wings move
catch the Wind
go
leave
go
over there!
then there
maybe all the way out there ..
maybe

finally !
breaking out of my chrysalis
into my Christness

freedom !
reborn
   by the Wind

living on the edge ..

i live on the edge of the sky

from here you get to see the stars up close
   even if you're blind

and you get to stargaze in reverse
   looking down on the lights below where the other Earthers live

i've heard the sound of air brushed aside by silent wings
   sometimes close by

..

i live on a stairway that goes up up into the light-spotted dark ..
there must be millions of steps above me
but i'm not ready to climb higher
   yet

i still go down every day and walk among the others
and talk and work and eat and stuff
but i always come back here to this ledge

..

sometimes when the stars are aligned just so, you can hear music as wind cuts their corners
a delightful wooing sound like nothing i've heard before

..

i'm alone here on the edge of the sky
but i don't mind it a bit
   i feel safe

..

sometimes it gets a bit cold and i have to curl up with my fourfooted friend for warmth
..
sometimes it gets real dark when the stars go off someplace else

..

i know it's a bit weird
coming up here
away from my Earthfellows ..
sometimes i get the feeling they think i'm strange
   and i suppose i am
   it likely accounts for my naivete ..
that's ok
they're my friends and i like them
i do most anything to help them when they get in trouble

but i have to get away
i can't handle 24/7 Earth

..

the darkness is so beautiful
and the silence so musical here

there's space here to think ..
i can't say too much about what i think about
but i know there's this city at the top of the stairway
and nobody dies there .. it's crazy, i know
and people don't get sick either ..
.. it's a really cool place

one day i'm going to climb higher, maybe sneak a peek ..
but for now i think i'll hang here on my ledge on the edge of the sky


..

i'm thinking about maybe learning to fly
the climb down and back every day is a killer ..
the thought of cutting into the wind, spiraling glides and ferocious turns ..
   i like that ..

i've heard the sound of air shoved aside by silent wings
   sometimes very close by

jumbledyaya ..

i like to write posts
but then i do the edit thing and i relent ..
like, who in their right mind would want to read this ?
really ..

ipso facto there are a bunch of not-posted posts just sitting there ..
occasionally i run through and review and hit 'delete'
somehow, what i thought i thought all the way back 2 weeks ago i don't really think now
and i don't want anyone to think that's what i thought, certainly not what i think

but, persistent pest that i are, i keep at it
and onceinawhile something emerges like some friendly monster out of the muddled addled mind i call mine, and it sticks long enough for me to hit 'post'
which is really cool, because then my selfimage resurrects and i can walk around without makeup and sunglasses again

..

sometimes the motivation is purely mine (if i diss all the people and stuff that formed the mind i now have)
but sometimes it isn't me that got me going
like someone wrote or said something that poked a rib of mine and i get all excited at the thoughts that come tumbling into my mind and sprint to the computer to vomit it all out in just the right order so somebody else can read the madness and the feel i had gets reproduced in them ..
kinda like mind sex

i suppose that doing that perfectly is the perfection of verbal communication

..

today i'm just sitting here with a cupa
and my mind is like jumbalaya, fish fowl grain and veg all muddled and served-up like it was special

there are posts sitting there about living in the sky and homosexuality and rolling stones and storms and rafts and midnight trains and deciding to die and past life and eucharist and love and pharisees and regrets and praxis and .. .   .

but i think i'll leave this musey post just like it is ..
i might try to vomit again shortly
i might not

either way, i hope you spend some time today thinking about what you are, who you want to be and why, how to move mountains and influence people, and why you read this blog - maybe you should blog ! maybe you have something to say, something that could save a life, change a mind, help with a decision, allay a fear, encourage a good soul to get involved, remind someone of what's important and what isn't
..

that would really be cool ..

Immanu-el .. God is with us ..

charleston
swaying in southern breeze
how can we forget you

Emmanuel
soaked in red life of every human
we cannot forget the grace flowing from your wounded heart

a storm assailed
deceptively deathly
but love prevailed in engulfing embrace
baptizing out of death
resurrection into life
transforming

o Emmanuel
peaceful ocean breath
refresh

savor salted memory in wake of violent hate
grace showering love
washing
soaking
buoyed above in Emmanuel's love

God is here
in charleston
in evil's tragedy
shot through, and through and through and through and through and through and through and through and through
by every missile wounded
by every tear soaked

out of the storm
flowers reach for Blue
planted by Love
colours of black red brown yellow white
entangled in embrace

more appear every day
the soil watered with bloodtears
tilled by thousands of mourning hopeful feet
tended by compassion
a resilient heart that cries out "i died here, and yet i live here"

what can quench love ..
   rhetorical muse
for love is stronger than death
passionate beyond the grave
many waters cannot quench love
nor surging river drown
nor wicked storm purge

what can separate from Love
not death
not demon
not fear
no powers wherever in all creation will ever prevail against It

for Love is God

Love
in whom is no frontier
no wall or boundary
no dividing gulf

Emmanuel
God is with us
for us
in us

how can we forget you  ?

wasted privilege ..

i'm a privileged white
i'm probably within the top 10 percentile of the planet's 'wealthy'
..

yet
i lament today ..

my lamentation derives from a mass of Earthhappenings that furrow my soul, staunch my heart, numb my mind ..

but moreso, muchmoreso from my comatosity
my lament is internal-focused
my lament is me
for in my privilege i responded poorly

with much of life swept downriver, i am shamed at the sheer waste of me, so much dirty foam polluting the riverbank
when i should have been a wave, at least a ripple - moving, affected, effecting, pushing and pulling, spreading life

instead i meandered around
   this or that turn
pushed
pulled
moved
like so much muddy foam
..

i lament, anguished sorrow at the brutal cowardice of me
in the shameful reality of a world gone bad
rife with violence
wickedly unjust
massively colonial
raping planetEarth behind the treeline
pumping its sewerage into the Clear Blue
class-ifying
enslaving
bombing
stealing
   by law

merciless injustice
caring not
heart of stone
..

and where was i  ?

what did i  ?

what said i  ?

..

i can't comment on the injustice and inhumanity of 100 years ago or 1,000 years ago with its violent bad and disregard for Earthlife
i didn't live 100 years ago or 1,000 years ago

i live in now time
and i lament at me in my inaction, silence -
just so much tacit approval
through my refusal to fight it
to rebel
to revolt
..

thousands have died in their flight for refuge from war and death and destruction
millions wait in makeshift shelter and foodlines
millions dead in the wars of the powersucking moneygrubbing states-with-no-soul
millions dying from eating trash, drinking polluted filth, while 1/3 ! of this world's food is wasted, dumped
millions on the run from lost land and exponentially increasing bad-weather phenomena
while some still deny
while we pump-and-burn
frack-and-pollute
cut-and-bare the planet, shredding its clothing, proudly displaying our Imperial New Clothes
..

no, i'm not rich
i don't sit in any Seat of Parliament or hold Congressional Office
i am not a scholar or statesman with influence over the minds of people
..
but i'm someone
some privileged one
and i should've been in line with the other peons
speaking out against injustice, loving mercy, walking humbly with my God


for inasmuch as i could've done it for the least
i could've done it for Jesus

.. .

it's not too late for me in whatever life i have left
just a sickening waste of goodlife
of Godlife
..

don't you dare do likewise ..

mudholes and icons ..

sometimes i wonder at the things that fly in my head ..
but maybe there's something here for you
too ..

`|`

life got you/me in a stronghold
choking
spluttering
grasping for air

fallen life
broken life
infected life
unfair life
addicted life
   ..
disappointing life
depressing life
ruined life
broke $ life
   ..
lonely life
divorced life
childless life
parentless life
friendless life

`|`

choking in a deep and dark hole
all by my/your self

the stink
shriveling rotting flesh
breathing the aroma of death
blind to all but the dark
voiceless
   barely a groan utters
   low moan from the bellypit

pained in every joint
at every turn
by every thought of useless wasted life
good-for-nothing

crying-out for oblivion
nothingness
.. just goneness

there
is
no
hope

`|`

what good am i/you
who cares

where is God now

who is god
why is god
   for God is not here
   with me/you

i/you am in a very dark place
forgotten

abandoned

forever lost

i/you will die in this stinkhole
this dark wet nasty grave
   alone
   forgotten
   abandoned

and
noone cares ..

`|`

my/your elbow rubs against a groove
familiar forgotten depression
   in the wall of my blackhole
..
lifeless fingers trace over the muddy place
aching to remember the cut

why is it there
why did i trace it there
   over and over
   for a lifetime
   depression deepening each time
in the mudwall
in my mind
..

the track familiarizes itself with my soul

tears trace their own track in my mudface
fingers moving this way, then that
recognizing the memory
embracing the form
   ever so painfully slow

tears open the dark confines of my confines
as my body weakly takes-on the teary rush
heaving sorrow in subdued wail
soul flowing
   out
dripping wet into the mudded mud

bony finger reaches again to trace the form
   that once gave me life
   kept me in the depression
   guarded me in life-malady
   buoyed me in the Flood
   warmed me in wintercold
   lighted my Dark
..
`|`

o blessed cross ..

oxymoronic place of Godlove
shameful place of my embrace
naked moment of lifetruth

there hung my friend
my friend
my real Friend

friend in fallen broken infected unjust addicted life
friend in disappointed depressing failed ruined broken life
friend in lonely divorced childless parentless friendless life

friend of friends
healer of me
light to my dark
smile in my dread
embrace of my exclusion

..

why
o why did i let you go
   Friend

`|`

are you there

can you hear me

do you see me now
in my deepdark hole
mudded cold wet hole
..


how could i let you go
.. You

`|`

i have fallen into my hole
hole i dug
inch by bloody inch
..
i am stranded here
forgotten
abandoned

`|`

are You there

can You hear
me
now

do You see
me
now
..

i am so lost
so dark
so dread
mudded
dead
..

`|`

.. .
dreams
   dark dreams
   cold waters
   lonely drown
   choking
   spluttering
   grasping for air
..
   falling
   falling
..
   dark
   wet
   cold
   alone ..
..

.. the form !

o the Form of You

are You there ..
..

`|`

then i said to my self
" i will arise from this death
i will go to my Friend and say to Him
' i have sinned
i am no longer worthy to be called your friend ..
treat me as one of your servants .. '

and i arose
i arose

i touched the Crossform once more
and reached
up

as i reached
i felt a familiar longlost warm connect
   skin !

a strong arm grasped my feeble hand outstretched
pulling me
up
out
out of my mudpit

in exhilarating breath lifted as i went
up
foot by bloody foot

out of my hole
into blindlight

face-to-face with Form
   silhouetted in my bindness

embracing me !
   warm ! embrace

tears
   of mine
gushing fountain of life

other tears
   tears of this Other
gushing all over me
baptizing my mudfilth

i know the scent
aroma of Life
smell of Friend

i know healing
and warmth
   again

soullit recognition
remembrance reborn

life !

my Friend ! ..

You are here ! ..

You heard me !

You saw me !
..

and i said " i have sinned .. i am no longer worthy .. "
! interrupt ! -
" bring that white robe !
prepare the table !
for this my friend was dead and is here, alive again
he was lost, and is found ! "

`|`

o blessed Friend

blessed cross

blessed Life .. how could i ever have let You go ..
..
.
You were there
   with me
   in the hole
all along
..
.

if only i had reached out sooner