two unlikely mates
a squirrel and a robin
ply the very green lawn
looking for ..
smaller birds frolic in the evening's cooling
chattering in delight ..
an aged oak stands solid
reaching up and out from on high ..
i'll walk in a bit
in this unusual Fall July weather
thankful for the reprise
dogfriend in tow
or perhaps leading me on ..
but I'll sit here a moment or 3
relishing my life
the same life i've so often regretted ..
..
I am a fortunate one ..
I see the hand of Father
lending me time
to change
transform
mature
deconstruct
relearn
remake
re-be
what patience my Godfather shares
with this petulant, melancholy, hard-headed, proud, self-absorbed son
who only wants to run and hide, watch from some elevated cover
like Zacchaeus
hoping not to be seen
but wanting so much to be touched
by the Maker's hand
those beams and uprights, those boards tongued and grooved
took time
effort
thought
conviction
and much labor
to frame my Fortress ..
tear it down ?!!
a dreadful thought !
'twas like stripping my own skin from my own frame ..
this was my safeplace
from whence i surveyed all the wrong world
and knew I was in the right
and the higher I built my walled Fortress
the safer I felt
inside
all alone
peering through my telescope for glimpse of 'God'
but 'tis as the preacher preached ..
God held my life on hold
until such time as I came to claim it
the life I should have had all along
but instead took in its place the things of God
about God
from God
thinking I was for God
but missing God
missing God!!
wondering all the while "why"
why !?!
..
I felt so lifeless
lost
empty
..
so some several years ago
more than half my life spent building my edifice
i took a different toolset
one with axe and sledge and saw
and, jaws set hard, set about tearing it down
precious piece by precious piece
.. My Precioussss
de-Gollum-ing
angry, so so angry at Me for the squander of my life's best energy ..
with every blow, each cut
i sliced into myself
took the lash
blow after blow
chastising the Me I was
breaking It down
watching my Fortress fall
piece by precious piece
with me in regret..
it nearly ruined me
i surely died a thousand deaths ..
but somehow in my dying
i struggled
fought
teeth set hard
lashing out at the facade i'd built
and in so doing, unleashed a will
to be remade
reconstructed
reborn ..
i was so dead from my dead, dread crying-out for God ..
" where are you ?! "
" where are you ?!! "
became my cry ..
..
i still cry out to Godfather
these dozen years in ..
i still struggle
i still israel
..
and i still want to hear
Your voice
i still want to feel
Your touch
i still want to smell
Your aroma
i still want so much to see
Your face
Your smile
to fall into Your gracious embrace
and melt into You ..
..
but this time
You are my fortress
and I'm good with that
..
i love you Jesus
Me
