where can i find God in this 'christian' nation ? ..

i suppose i could leave it alone
walk away, head hung in disappointment, again
walk on
think ' maybe next time ' ..
but i won't
i refuse
i'm angry and i'm going to vent


i live in what's been touted as a 'christian' nation, and i can't find a 'church' ..
and i refuse to simply accept what is available; that's what some thinlk i should do - "no church is perfect", they say

i'm not looking for perfection ..
i'm looking for Jesus in the room, in the preacher, in the person next to me at the table
i'm lookiing for the spirit of Jesus
sniffing for his aroma
i want to taste him in the air

i am so very very tired of the same 'ol same 'ol
of creeds (some of which i disagree with, at points), of liturgical repetition without heart-mind engaged, of 15 minutes on 'pledging' and more to come in the next several weeks, of pomp and presentation and professionalism
i'm tired
and i'm angry
i am disappointed and very angry
i didn't sleep well, but i hauled my tired body out of the bed and made a valiant effort to find a group of people to engage with, to share, to worship, to discuss the majesty of our magnificent God

that's all
simple
.. . . . . . . . . ..      .

don't we see that God wants our hearts?
he wants me
the creedal repetition and read-prayers and recitations are, for the most part, vanity and futility
so too are the new-fashioned lights and bands and coffee counters and blue jeans, for the most part, because they are simply another made-up recipe devised to attract

God doesn't need creeds or attractive formats
God wants us, at the core of us, to be
simply be
be in the presence of God
be in the moment
be there to feel God, to experience God, to praise and thank God, to see God sitting there, next to me
God is not at all interested in our buildings or presentation
God is intimately interested in me, in you, in us
present
simply present
and open to God's spirit

i wanted to get outside and scream
really
i wanted to scream in frustration and the agony of being left with no opportunity again to share my passion with Jesus and experience that passion coming back at me, full force, no holds barred
i wanted to shout out " God! where are you??! "

i am at a loss for words
i can't adequately express how depressed i feel, how lost, how beaten-down, how frustrated

with all the 'christian' colleges and universities and seminaries
with all the churches
with all the trained preachers and pastors, doctors and masters and whatsoeveryouwannacallit ..
with all the money
all that, and Jesus barely gets in the front door
in fact, i figure he walks out too, just like me
and he stands there on the street outside that church building and cries out "Why?!! Why do you make my father's house into a place of business? This is a house of prayer! Out! Get out!"
i wish he would
i only fear that if he did, there would hardly be a place of worship and prayer to be found .. you'd probably have to go a long way to find one

God told israel that he wanted none of their sacrifices, nothing of their pretense
he was sick of it
because they speak of God, but they don't know God
he is in their mouth, but not in their heart
so he spit them out of his mouth
vomited-up their vanity
they made him sick

and the very same thing could be said of Jesus' people today
he warned us in the Revelation to John - "you're neither hot nor cold; you're lukewarm,, and i hate lukewarm - i will spit you out!"
Jesus said that
.... . .   ...  .

i'm spending my sunday sitting in a coffee shop with nfl on the tele and an unsettled spirit
unfulfilled
disappointed
depressed
upset
lost

i need fellowship
i need to see and hear and speak-to and touch and experience Jesus in a group
where God's Spirit overflows, oozes, permeates the atmosphere so strongly that it almost drowns me
where God is exalted and Jesus stares through eyes, staring at me in love, smiling

i need that

God is not pleased with what we're doing with Jesus
God is sick at our misrepresentation of who God is
and the religious intelligentsia are to blame, and the preachers and teachers and prophets and whatever
it's always been like that
somehow when people become leaders they forget who their leader is
the real leader
Jesus, the originator and completer of our faith
they forget they are but dust, looking for accolade and recognition and positioning themselves for power and influence and wealth
they become a stink in the nostrils of the God that calls them to serve
their stench displaces the sweetsmelling aroma of Jesus
they need to be baptised again, into the Christ, a new personage, a fresh anointing, a pleasing aroma to the God that cries out "Who will stand in the gap for me?"

who indeed

WHERE can i find it

i had it once, or something close to that, in a church on the other side of this country, a church in a circle, a church where the circle led to the centre, and Jesus' scent was in the air, a sweet aroma that fills the air
i miss that
i hope they never change, and that anything or anyone that threatens that is deposed and cast out before the smell of Jesus is gone, another house of prayer biting the dust

i quit my whining
but the anger remains, albeit somewhat lessened by my venting

so, here i sit, on this sunday, banging my head ..

i shoulda been there, in God's place, with his people, breathing-in a refreshing breeze from the heart of Jesus
.. not today
not today

how tragic