struggle ..

i don't remember the context
and i'm not going to look it up right now
i just remember the clause ' bringing every thought into captivity to christ ' ..
   it may be in the context of divisiveness

i have this thing going on in my mind
i can't control it, it seems ..
my mind goes places i'd rather it not go
wicked places
places where i'm angry at people
places where things bother me, things that i shouldn't allow to bother me in the way they bother me

rohr's continual references to forgiveness and the dualistic human condition held together in perfect unity by Jesus speak to this ..
Jesus holds together the tension of opposites, and in their ultimate shapes of life and death. Humanity itself could be defined as that which is eternally crucified and eternally resurrected—all at once!

and, more to the point,
As long as we keep trying to deal with the mystery of evil in some way other than forgiveness and healing, we will continue to create negative ideologies like fundamentalism and nihilism in all their endless forms. One demands perfect order; the other denies that it is even possible. Jesus does neither, but lives on the horns of the human dilemma.

...    .    .
and i'm sitting there thinking ' i'm a follower of Jesus ' ..

how do i reconcile those 2  ??

i know, i know
romans 7 and apostle paul's comments about doing what i don't want to do, etc.
been there
according to the doctrinaires, that's not about that, it's about the struggle between law and grace ..
i still struggle with that interpretation ..

anyway, i'm stuck in this dualistic owen thingy
and it makes me think i'm a loser
i'm missing the boat
i'm fooling myself into thinking i'm something i'm not ..
as i posted sometime ago
' am i fooling my self into thinking i'm who i think i am ?  ? '
well, am i  ?

somehow have to fix this
reconcile it
forgive it
change it ..
i'm not in the zone with Jesus enough
and/or i'm allowing distractions ..
either way
my spirit relinquishes control to my bodymind ..
fail

i have to be acting like new creation
i have to inculcate Jesus

i'm following him
just too far off, methinks
i need to get closer to him
so i can smell him, touch him, see the lines in his face as he laughs, the furrow on his brow as he sorrows
see the tear fall from his eye ..

i need Jesus to be my core
my very breath
the beallandendall
my reason for being
without distraction

i need to abandon Owen for Jesus

as the man said, ' if anyone wants to be my disciple, they have to deny themselves in picking up their cross ... then, follow after me '

got to
the day is far spent ..

God makes grace out of our grit, salvation out of our sin. 
We are saved, ironically, not by doing it right as much as by the suffering of having done it wrong. 
We come to God not through our perfection (thank God!) as much as through our imperfection. 

Finally, all must be forgiven and reconciled. Life does not have to be fixed, controlled or even understood for me to be happy.
      rohr