finding me ..

I cannot be who I am not
I can only truly be who I am

unfortunately we sometimes don't like who I am
we assume other identities in some unreasonable effort to be a me that's really someone else
it cannot last
anyone I allow to live in my private space will soon enough recognize the inconsistency I am

why do I
   not like the me I am
why do I
   put on some other identity
      pretend, makeup – hypocrite = mask my self

I am imperfect
in the place I see my imperfection, I may see it 'perfected' in some other, and assume that perfection in them as my own, masking my imperfection
and then that other imperfection .. I makeover that to fit the perfectedness in that other person
and on and ..
and I no longer exist ..
save deep inside me, where noone can see .. noone goes there but me
in all my ugliness, my imperfections, my failures
   my blackened soul

the longer I look at the madeover me, the more I convince me that's who I am
I endup becoming in my mind the me I am not

I lie to my self
I am a lie

.. selah .. .   . . .

in the world of truth, as I see it, we are broken
   I get that 'truth' from the christian scriptures
in my brokenness I am therefore not the me I should be
the solution is certainly not to disguise my self to become someone I am already not

the real me is beautiful
   for I am created by Creator God in God's image, something like God
that's got to be beautiful
got to be !

the solution, then, lies in recreating the me I am into the me I was designed to be

and the place to start is recognizing fairly who I truly am in my brokenness
anything else is a lie
and I don't want to be lying to me about who I am

to get there takes a whole lot of humbleness on my part
   a whole lot
it calls for admitting, confessing, calling-me-out
and to do that means I have to know who I really am
   opening those sturdy old creaky doors where the WHOIAM hides
      shining light in each chamber, calling the METHATIAM out into the light
      identifying that as me
seeing the METHATISTHERE
walking those me's out into the open where I live
and looking at them all, seeing them all there, together ..
now I have all of me in one place

that, my friend, is a scary thought
and it takes a very brave person to walk into those dark chambers ..
or a very tired person
or a very bottom-of-the-barreled person
or an end-of-the-rope-person
“I can't do this anymore ...” …

some of us journal to get there
we pull up our holey socks and pick up that pickaxepen and start to swing at the rock walls that hide our me
sometimes we get tired swinging the pickaxepen, our soulal shoulders and back ache ..
have to stop, rest
but we go back because we have to uncover the METHATISTHERE ..
have to

day after day
hour upon hour
I dig at my self
dig up my self
shine light in there
swinging my pickaxepen
laying me out on paper, piecebypiece, as I reveal another part of me

I'm so tired
and so very disappointed
is this really the METHATIAM?
can't I just crawl back into those chambers, deeper still, into the darkest of the blackness ..
.. and die ? ..
I don't think I can live with me

but wait !
Wait !!
remember
IAMWHOIAM
to stop now would mean .. . . I may never see my complete entire self in one place at one time
I would still be lying
to me
i would still be a lie ..

I must go on
even if it takes forever
I have to know who I am
the METHATISME
then .. maybe then, I can find a way to change into the MEIWASMEANTOBE
the MEIWASCREATEDTOBE
that is worth knowing

so, pickaxepen in hand, I resume my tiresome dreadful task
as more and more of me is mined
more and more of the METHATIAM emerges and takes shape
ahh .. now I see ..
oh my !
wait ! no ! not that ..

piece by piece
the secreted me melds with the “ok” me
a new being
I can see me taking shape
things I hate and things I like and things that're cool and things that aren't ..

keep at it ..

then what .. ?

well, there's this ..
that same Creator God that created the MEIWASMEANTTOBE is quite in love with me
really ..
yes, really
you mean .. even the METHATIAM?
absolutely
.. wha ? how could that be ?
I can only tell you what I know, I can't explain it .. i'm not Creator God
.. .     .

but .. won't I have to change the sickening things about me first ? I thought i'd have to change first ..

it's not the changed METHATIAM Creator God loves
it's the MEASIAM

the thing for me now is to see the METHATIAM as the METHATIS and accept that
I must accept me as I am now ..
that's for sure step 1

then confess “ this is me “
after all, that's the me Creator God loves ..
when I turn to face Creator God in all my brokenness, my shattered ugly self exposed along with the MEILIKE, Creator God is able to help me become the MEIWASMEANTTOBE, the me God intended me to be

but first
I have too see me as I really am, and accept that me as me
that's where I have to get to first
once I get there, the sky's the limit
I can fly
I am free !
IAMTHEMEISHOULDBE
and that is unbeatable
'cause now the 'imago dei', the image and likeness of Creator God in me, is clearly visible to me, and for all the world to see

..  . selah    ...      .  .

there's only one person that ever perfected that
his name is Jesus
he's my mentor
I follow him .. or try to, best I can
I want to be just like him, 'cause that's what Creator God intended, for us all to be conformed to the image of Jesus in me

that's where i'm headed

join me

it's an incredible journey into real life, life as it should be, life fueled by Godenergy

real life

peace